So, what is it that creates the uncontrollable urge to binge drink? What allows an alcoholic to "occasionally" drink in moderation, and at other times not be able to stop until they have totally reached an inebriated stupor? I think the "alcohol binge trigger" is different for everybody and the answer to that question will vary with each individual. There really isn't a correct answer that anybody could put in the back of an "alcoholic textbook", so I'll just tell you about a few of my triggers and maybe (or not) you can relate.
For me, I have several triggers that are quite likely to send me down that drunken trail once again. I'll just give you a few examples and feel free to let me know if you can relate to some of my "alcohol craving triggers". I would love to hear what some of your triggers are as well.
I'll try to keep this as short as I can, but I have always "suffered I guess" from social anxiety, shyness, fear of unfamiliar groups, panic (and all the rest of the phobias that belong to that category! LOL).
At the age of 14 I discovered the magical beverage that took all of those fears away. I went to my first keg party with my older cousin (I have never been drunk at that point). I didn't know a person at the party, other than my cousin, and I felt like crawling in a hole and dying a quick death. Halfway through my second beer (hey, I had a low tolerance at 14! lol), I felt those aching, fearful feelings start to subside. By the time I was on my third beer I was actually joining in on the conversation. Yeah, ME, joining in on a conversation with people I hadn't known before that night. Never could I had done that without the magical beverage of beer. I think I instantly fell in love with alcohol, and probably instantly became an alcoholic (atleast a mental alcoholic) at the age of 14.
By the end of the night I was cracking jokes, had the girls laughing, and had my arms around two pretty girls while having the time of my life. Of course I ended up vomiting all over a bush outside the house about a half dozen times, but it was sooooo worth it. I had conquered my social anxiety fears. The only downfall was that I had to medicate myself with alcohol to feel this way.
Another trigger that I would like to mention may throw you (unless your the type of alcoholic like I am). Listening to my favorite music of my childhood can trigger an almost bloodthirst craving for alcohol. I think it is because it takes me back to a special head-space of free spirited, partying with my youthful friends. It was a not having a "care in the world" time of my life. It was the devine music I listened to before all the demons from alcohol started to show their face. It was before I had lost jobs, got thrown in jail, did a stint in prison, gotten divorced, and missed important parts of watching my 13 year old daughter grow up. It was the music that I ALWAYS drank with. Music became my friend that would party with me if nobody was around to have a drink with.
I still follow those bands (even though they are getting older) and still love to jam out with their new songs, and the craving for alcohol when their music plays is still as strong as ever. I hate to admit it, but I still like the feeling that it gives me. I'll spare you all of the depressive, self conscious, and downright self loathing feelings for future posts! lol
P.S. Today is Halloween. Guess what? I will be at one of those parties out there getting drunk once again. I mentioned in my first post that this blog isn't an "I am healed, hear my testimony" type of blog. I'm a mess, and am a work in progress. Hoping that I can help myself understand my addiction, and maybe help someone else along the way. Be sure to sign up to my feed to travel along this unpredictable journey with me!
3 comments:
hey, you're trying ! It is not an easy journey. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again and again and again. There are people that love you and care, even if you don't see them right now.
Honey, have you tried treating your social anxiety? If you learn to cure yourself of this type of phobia, then you'll only be left with alcohol's negative side effects so you won't like it so much. Have you tried desensitization techniques or cognitive behavioral therapy to address your fear of social situations?
I can relate because I was socially awkward in school. I was bullied in middle school so I never felt comfortable around my peers. I buried myself in books and allowed only my close family members know the real me.
Over the years I've learned to push myself outside my comfort zone and hang out with the "popular people." It has been a slow and arduous process. What has helped is "acting" like an extravert. I studied the mannerisms of confident popular people and copied the ones I could. It was still hard, like a voice in my head thinking that they're too cool to geniunely like me. I literally had to stop my inner voice from criticizing every misstep I'd make.
I've toyed with the idea of taking acting classes to learn how to take on the persona of a popular person. Haven't you ever noticed a plain-jane actress who has taken on a vixen role and utterly convince the audience that she's sexy and beautiful? So my rationale is that I can learn to do the same by learning how to model extraverted behavior.
At the same time I still like being on the quiet side of that "extraversion." It reminds me how I like guys who are quiet because they appear smart and mysterious. Likewise I need to recognize that my tendency to be shy is endearing - I just want to control the extreme aspect of it that interferes with my self-confidence in social situations.
my sex addiction triggers my binge drinking, which unfortunatley cause me to make some bad choices.
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