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Friday, October 31, 2008

My Drunken Mind

First and foremost, I am a 35 year old alcoholic that battles the demons of alcohol every day of my life. I am not a recovering alcoholic. I am a practicing alcoholic that still drinks around 5 days a week. I am writing this blog for several reasons. One reason is to provide myself an outlet to release a lot of emotions that the addiction of alcohol unleashes upon my soul. My hope is that I can gain a greater understanding of "why I do the things I do", and gain a greater perspective on this mind/body/soul altering disease.

Secondly, I believe that I can offer the internet world a different take on the traditional alcoholics website. I don't have any happy endings or self proclamations that will give an alcoholic some inspirational words of wisdom that will somehow take away the battles that lie within each individual. I want to provide a place for someone to go to when they just want to relate with another alcoholic. Someone who won't tell you how to "fix you", or someone who won't judge you for some of the decisions that you have made in your life. I have made so many poor, alcohol induced decisions throughout the years, to screw up the lives of an entire community of otherwise healthy individuals! Lol.. (sometimes you just have to laugh to yourself to keep from crying!).

This blog is not solely for alcoholics that are still drinking. It is for everybody out there that doesn't understand, or can quite wrap their mind around, how an alcoholic's mind works. The answer is you CAN'T understand, without stepping inside the hazy mind and warped reasoning of an alcoholic. Many of you have wives, husbands, children, parents, and friends who you deeply care about but can't seem to reach while they live life through a boozy haze. Well, you need to know what exactly it is that they are going through. This blog is for all of you as well!

This will also be an outlet for the recovering alcoholic that is wavering on falling off the wagon. From my short bouts of "alcohol abstinence" throughout my 20 years of drinking, it becomes very easy to remember all of the good times, and kind of let the downfalls of the disease to not seem quite as significant as once remembered.

Alcoholism doesn't just bring us nightmares and heartache. It also brings moments of absolute bliss. Lets not kid ourselves about this. Any alcoholic can bring up a thousand stories that can bring us all a laugh, and 1000 more that would make you question why anybody would put themselves (and others) through so much pain. Alcoholism is a roller coaster that I continue to ride everyday. So step on board and come along for the chaotic ride. I have no idea when the ride ends, or if it will just continue in an endless loop heading nowhere.

I have enough to say to last a lifetime, but I also know that you all have busy lives and can't afford to spend hours reading the life of some alcoholic in one day. I'll try to keep the blog articles short enough for you to read with your morning coffee or as you unwind after a hard days work.

An alcoholics mind is very complex. We are often looked down upon, but many of us think and feel so deeply that just making a clear and concise decision isn't quite as easy as others may think. Just remember that the alcoholism rate of famous writers and artists surpasses the alcoholism rates of any other occupation. Just reading about the crazy antics that some of the literary greats in history have done in their lives, just kind of soothes my mind in knowing that just because I am an alcoholic doesn't mean that I'm not a "super-something" underneath.

Time will tell what lies ahead. I have a lot to say, and hope you and others out there may benefit from it in some small way. I'll stop posting for now. Stay tuned. We are just opening the crazy book of alcoholism and haven't even reached chapter one yet!

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

I recently became courageous enough to leave a long term relationship with an alcoholic man. It was certainly a roller coaster. I have read many many books, blogs, articles on alcoholism. Your blog was very helpful for me to understand at least partly what happens in the alcoholic mind. It reinforces my belief that it is far too complex for me to understand and I was wasting a lot of energy trying to do so.

dual diagnosis said...

Alcoholics can avail the services of treatment centers that offers program services like detox, counseling, rehab, and many more. These services can help them start a new life that is free from the pain caused by alcohol addiction.

Ger-nurse said...

You "screwed up an entire community of otherwise healthy individuals" and you're still drinking? You better HOPE there isn't a God. If I were you, I would start praying for forgiveness and do everything conceivably possible to stop drinking. By the way, those of us that aren't drinkers experience very few nightmares or heartaches (unless we are dealing with an alcoholic) but we experience plenty of "absolute bliss." Stop drinking and get your loved one's relationships back or at least start new ones that will actually last.

Ger-nurse

Anonymous said...

Could someone comment on exactly "what is an alcoholic?" I am told by my spouse that because they don't drink every day that they do not have a drinking problem. When they do drink, it is usually about a bottle of wine, and often more. Being around them is like being on "pins and needles" and you never know what will set them off. Is this behavior caused by alcohol, even though it may be a day or two after?

-Desperate

Anonymous said...

Hi i am an alcohlic that just fell off after 4 years.I dont no why but I would love to stop. No one in my family no's. Is'nt accupuncture supposed to help? Wondering?

Anonymous said...

I just left my relationship of 4 years because of drinking,i dont drink, my boyfriend did, it started of slow ,and then i was hooked, i mean i loved him,and now he's mean ,blames me why we dont live together,when he's the one that hasnt had money since his divorce from his psycopathic bpd x wife. Tells me he's not drunk or buzzed or whatever they call it,while he's being irrational, he mixes me up so much, am i going crazy or is this the alcoholic personalty getting over on me?

Anonymous said...

Wow. Read some of your blog. Not sure what to make of it. I do believe it is a little self indulgent. Sounds like there is a very intelligent person writing it who just isn't ready to quit. I truly hope you will before it destroys your life. Doesn't sound like you have had your "Wake up call" yet. Your right on a lot of things though. I have had alot of experience (first and second hand) and it is a very individualized disease. The more you read, the more complex it becomes. But I can add one important bit of information that I learned at Glenbeigh, rehab, (while attending family group) and that is that alcohol detox is THE ONLY DETOX THAT CAN KILL YOU. If you try to quit on your own and you are at high levels of alcohol in your bloodstream you can have a stroke or a heart attack. And it's no joke. While taking my brother in law to rehab for the 4th time this summer the counselor told me to get him beer or he could die. He WAS that sick. I truely hope for your sake blogger that you never look like him. Still searching for answers, still struggling to understand. The 12 steps IS the only answer and will only work if YOU DO the work. Good luck blogger and I will say a prayer for you.

Anonymous said...

so if someone is used to having 3-4+ drinks a night but then decides to stop and only drink on weekends, he can have a heart attack?
My advice to all alcoholics is this: imagine losing "the bottle" as you would lose someone to death...now that detox! U can never get dead people back but we must withdraw from them when they are gone. Get over the bottle!

Anonymous said...

I recently reunited with the love of my life after 15 years of being apart. Everything was wonderful and we had a great time together. We were in the process of making life-long plans, but never in my wildest dreams did I know or even suspect he was an alcoholic. I feel like an idiot for not knowing.

Now he is off and on the bottle every 2 months, and I am at a loss as to what triggers this roller coaster. I do not want to give up my relationship, but cannot help him. I am aware he must do this himself, but it is so hurtful and painful to watch this wonderful man destroying his life and mine as well as everyone around him. I can only hope he does not end up in the hospital again.

Anonymous said...

I would like to thank you for doing this and please continue to do it no matter the negativity you'll receive.
I grew up in an alcoholic home and am currently in a relationship with an alcoholic.
This is like research for me to help me understand more about the "whys" that are left unansewered.
I have experienced both the negatives and positives in the alcoholics life and I understand that it's pain that carries the alcoholic through life.
And pain is a hard emotion to live with.
I''m looking forward to future blogs.

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