As The Candle Burns, Burning The Alcoholics Wick

As The Candle Burns

 Burning the Alcoholics Wick

Like The Sands of Our Life's Hourglass Trickling Away

The moment that we are born, our "life's wick" has been lit. At birth nobody knows how long our candle will burn. How many times have you had a candle that didn't burn all the way down to the end? How many times was the flame so small that it didn't create any glow and was always in danger of burning out?

How many candles don't even have the opportunities to brighten up someones life or provide warmth to a room?

It seems to me that alcoholics are like candles and burn their wicks from both ends. They don't appreciate all of the energy that is being lost up in smoke.  Billows of smoke that you can't grab, sliding between your fingers. You try to get it back, but it floats away.  You can actually see the candle's wick grow smaller in front of your eyes as wax falls to the floor. In vain you try to put out one end of the candle's wick. When you do, you are surprised to see that the other end burns brighter, stronger, and warmer! You let go and drink, allowing the other end to reignite. The candle loses it's glow. The lifespan of the candle's wick shortens. The room is no longer lightened.  Soon, it becomes too dark to see, and too cold to breath.

When you let both ends of the candle burn for too long..... Well, your not left with much light. It's cold.. you need warmth, but there isn't anything left.  The candle has been burned.  A candle is meant to be burned from one end.... Not two.

Are You an Alcoholic? Choose To Dream

An Alcoholics Dream

Never listen to a soul who says your "dream" is unattainable

Your a mess.. You can't put down the bottle when everyone else can.. Your weak. No you are not!

What is easy to some, is not easy to others. You have to realize it will be the hardest thing you have ever done.

You are not special.  People only feel sorry for you for a short period of time.

You are just as bright as anyone who has ever had a thought.

You are just as dumb as anyone who has ever had a thought.

You have things to say that can make a girls heart melt.

You have words that you can say that will make a mans hand clench.

You have power to quit.... to start..... to stay..... to dream....

What do you choose? My choice is to dream. It seems to be the most interesting path to visit.

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Not sure what that was all about, but It's always a nice release to write something. Thanks for those that listen and read occasionally.  I'm trying to get better, and I think that I am working towards that point.  I wish I woke up every day thinking in the same mentality... It must to be hard to fathom if you don't understand that statement..  No, I'm not crazy by any means, but an alcoholic addiction will "F" with your brain. 

I won't drink for the next two days. Tomorrow I will want to watch a great movie. I will want to go to a museum. I will want to feed bread to the ducks in the park. I will want to....... be...... just like you..  Then after that... I won't be able to understand you.  It's chemistry I guess.  Those who say it's not, are just lucky enough to not have to deal with an alcoholic addiction.

I could ramble on forever with my bs, but I'll stop. Thank you..  I love everyone, and embrace my own shortcomings.  I feel like it sucks to be me sometimes, but ya know? I could be a garden gnome.

Have a dream kids, and chase that very same dream..... Until it is not one anymore.... Until it is your every day life :)

Related :

• Inside the Mind of an Alcoholic

•  Do You remember Your Childhood Dreams

Should I Write About My Alcoholism Again?

Well, its been almost exactly a year since I have posted to my blog on alcoholism. Looking through dozens of comments, and emails about my alcoholism blog, I have decided to continue to write. Many readers have taken offense to my prior postings of the past by saying that I was making "light" of alcoholism, and others sent me thanks from understanding that I was shedding light on alcoholism through the eyes of a practicing alcoholic.

For those that sent me very uninformed, hateful emails condemning my writing, you might as well turn your head in the other direction because if you are still subscribed to this feed, you are going to subjected to more thoughts from a PRACTICING alcoholic.

For the past year I have had many ups and downs. A relationship ended, we reconciled, separated again, and now are in the process of trying yet again. Can you imagine an alcoholic having relationship problems? NAHHH, no way! LOL..

The good news is I have been successfull (at times) to have been able to keep my disease at bay. I have been working full time, and have enrolled in college last fall (at the age of 36). The only way that I am able to ward off cravings to my non relenting disease is by totally exhausting myself throughout the day. Exhausting myself so much that sleep actually becomes more attractive than getting drunk. I have been able to keep my drinking at bay throughout the work and school week because I am soooo busy from 7 AM until about 11:00 PM at night. I was pretty proud that I was able to accomplish temporary abstinence from getting wasted. However, its not as rosy of a picture as it may seem.

When the weekend would come, and all of my homework was caught up, I would typically be drunk from Friday when I clocked out from work until Sunday evening. The weekend would fly by in a blurr, and the next thing I knew, my alarm clock would be screaming at me to wake up Monday morning. My head would be pulsating, my heart racing, and my dreaded Mondays were usually very hard to get through. My temporary week long abstinence would begin again until the dark looming weekend that would lie ahead.

Throughout the week my head would clear, I had energy at work, and my head had the clarity to concentrate on my college studies. I was amazed how well my body and mind would feel from Wednesday thru Friday. Why would I throw this amazing feeling down the toilet? Well, if your an alcoholic you know exactly why! If your not an alcoholic, you may never truly understand. It's as if I made a "deal" with my alcoholic demons that live inside me, to give me some peace throughout the week as I worked (to afford the luxury to buy more alcohol) and the mental clarity to improve my future through education.

Well, here I sit on the computer on Christmas Day. My college semester went great and I got A's in all (three) of my classes. The next semester doesn't start until January 8th. What is a practicing alcoholic to do? The outlook doesn't look promising. I have already gotten calls to meet some "alcoholic friends" to go up to a nearby sports bar and watch the the football game. I'm tempted to go join them. The repercussions that lie ahead will probably lose this internal struggle.

So, I would like to ask my readers (or future readers) if you think that I should continue writing my blog about the internal struggle that alcoholics face? Like I have said in the past, there are thousands of stories of recovering alcoholics, yet you don't often read about those that are still practicing despite the pain that it inflicts on their everyday lives. Do you want to know about the continuing struggle? The struggle that is there everyday of their lives?

It is shameful, and embarrassing to write to the world about some mind twisting activities that alcoholics find themselves indulged in. It absolutely doesn't make sense to someone without the affliction. I am sure the hateful emails and comments will soon come again. I also know shedding light to non-alcoholics about what lies inside the mind of an alcoholic has been very helpful to them. Considering this, I am strongly considering posting regularly again despite those that condemn me for doing so.
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For those that are in Alcoholics anonymous or are interested in AA I strongly suggest the following book. I have been to Alcoholics Anonymous many times, and while the big book is very good, it seems like all the stories are soooo outdated. Here is the big book, but it has a lot of stories written in 2008 that the modern day alcoholic can relate to!!

Alcoholism and Relationship Poems

First of all, I would like to apologize for not writing in the last few weeks. Alcoholism not only affects your body in a physical and mental way. Financially, an alcoholics future is often clouded and uncertain.

An alcoholic often has trouble keeping a job, and the motivation that one needs to advance in a career is often stifled by the greater need to feed their disease with more alcohol. This past year has been a struggle for me financially, so I had no choice but to get a second job for the holidays so my daughter could have a Christmas. I have hidden much of my alcoholism (I only have her ever other weekend) for her entire life, and the thought of her not having presents to open gave me the motivation for a temporary reprieve of my daily desire for alcohol. I still got drunk two or three times a week, but I just fit it in around the extra work schedule. With the holidays almost over, where will the added motivation go? Will the daily temptations return like they always have? I'm afraid of what that answer may be.

Today, I want to submit a poem that was sent to me about a woman's struggle with her significant other, and the problems that alcoholism can bring to a relationship. An alcoholic often seeks a partner that either enables their behavior, or who also has a drinking problem themselves. An alcoholic hates to be judged, and engaging in a dysfunctional relationship seems to ease some of the self loathing and guilt that comes with the disease that we call alcoholism. Please feel free to leave some comments about Lena's poem..

Related :

Best Inspiratoinal Poem Ever

The Tables Have Turned

They tell me to let go, they tell me to be strong.

But how can I do that when you're already gone?

Meeting after meeting. Day after day.

Dollar an hour but will this ever go away?

I was sober while your were drunk.

Now I'm drunk cause you're sober.

I was home while your were lost.

Now I'm lost cause you're home.

How could this be that the tables have turned?

Thinking you were in space, I was loosing my mind.

Thinking the worst and you really were on the grind.

So, I did the same while you were gone.

Fake smiles from people I thought mattered.

Lies I believed.

But still, no you and me.

How could this be that the tables have turned?

You were drunk I was sober.

Now I'm drunk cause you're sober.

What the hell is wrong with me?

This shouldn't be happening to me.

The poison you once loved plagued me.

Now it's the end and you'll see,

that's it's you and not me.

The tables have turned.

Now I'm sober cause you're drunk.

And you're drunk cause you'll never learn.

I'm home now and you'll forever remain lost.

Written By:

Lena

Finding Excuses To Drink Alcohol

The mind of an alcoholic can be very crafty, and quite the salesman. Your addicted body and brain will give you every reason and excuse imaginable to convince you to open up the bottle.

You've had a bad day at work, tomorrow is your day off, your fighting with your girlfriend/boyfriend, it's a Holiday, your "friends' asked you out to watch the ball game at the sports bar, etc.... The list goes on and on and on. The excuses that an alcoholic will make to rationalize or give validity to the "reasonable" decision to drink is endless.

I'll give you a few examples of some of the ridiculous excuses that I have made over the years. Whenever I have my daughter for the weekend (every other weekend visitation, since I'm divorced. Imagine that!), I always find the excuse to drink on the Thursday before so I won't have as much temptation to drink around my daughter during the weekend. I make sure that I get wasted enough on Thursday so I'll have a brutal hangover and won't even have the desire to drink for the weekend. I rationalize to myself, that I wouldn't be a good parent if she saw me drinking excessively so I might as well get trashed the day before that she comes over to the house.

I have managed to keep the vast majority of my alcoholism away from her for 13 years. So therefore, I tell myself that I'm a better parent if I don't drink when I'm around her. Two days of sobriety is manageable, although not entirely easy. The Sunday afternoons, the addiction comes back roaring strong telling me "Its almost time for some drinks my friend. Soon, you will be mine!"

Another excuse I make to drink alcohol, is going to events that I enjoy and have always associated alcohol with that particular event. Sporting events, concerts, bars (obviously), casinos, boating on the lake, or at least in my case just about any type of social event. I have always suffered from social anxiety, so deciding to medicate myself with alcohol was always an easy excuse to make.

Some people have such stressful lives at work, they use the excuse to drink daily as a way to "relax and unwind". What happens in the end however, is that their quality of sleep suffers, often they drink too much, and their stressful job gets even worse.

I remember the days of doing construction work throughout the hot and humid summer months. Nothing sounded better than having some cold beers after work. Just driving by the local bars in the area where you live (between 4-6 PM), you can certainly see that I'm not the only one that feels this way.

Everybody in this world has many hardships that come their way in their lives. The difference is "everybody" doesn't drink, or at least doesn't drink for the many reasons that an alcoholic does. Alcoholism makes you believe that it's your friend to help make the good times in your life even better, the stressful times less intense, and the sad times a little less painful.

An alcoholic can find an excuse to drink everyday of their lives, and to that alcoholic many of those will seem very rational. At times an alcoholic will know that the decisions that they are making are ruining their lives, but alcoholism leaves them powerless as they struggle aimlessly with their addiction.

Please feel free to add some of your own "excuses to drink" if you are an alcoholic, or some of the excuses that some of your friends and loved ones have made to encourage their own alcohol consumption.

Here is a great book that I have read about reversing the damage of alcoholism -
Eating for Recovery: The Essential Nutrition Plan to Reverse the Physical Damage of Alcoholism

Crossing That Invisible Line

Every alcoholic is different, with different triggers, reasons, and behaviors associated with alcohol. Just speaking for myself, I can say that I have this "invisible line" (while drinking) that has a downward slippery slope on the other side. If I stay on one side (the controlled drinking side), I can totally function like a "normal" person in society. I can put down my drink at any time, go to bed at a decent hour, and be productive the next day.

So what happens when I just take one small step onto the other side of the line? Well, the declining slippery slope on the other side of the line just takes the feet out from under me and I ride (drink) that slope all the way to the bottom. There isn't any way that I can stop myself from drinking until I reach the bottom.

So, why do I cross that invisible line? Well "taking the ride" after crossing the invisible line can be exhilarating. It can take away your pain. It can help you forget your problems. It can give you courage when it seems as if you didn't have any. Crossing the invisible line gives you temporary reprieve from the problems in your life. A TEMPORARY reprieve. The problems will still be there waiting for you (plus a few more added on). The courage that you felt after crossing that line has left you, and you feel more vulnerable than ever. That exhilarating buzz that you had, has been replaced with a headache, dehydration, and a fatigued body, mind, and spirit.

So what lies within an alcoholic that urges them to cross the line of no return? An alcoholic is addicted to the release that crossing over the line gives them. We all have different reasons to feed this addiction, so I can only speak for myself. I'm an alcoholic that has difficulty releasing all of my problems, fears, and anxieties of everyday life. I seem to throw them all in a glass bottle and put a cork in the top. Alcohol serves as some kind of a bottle opener for me that releases everything that I have stored in the bottle. The only problem is, it doesn't take me long to fill that glass bottle back up, and the need to "medicate" myself is back on my doorstep once again.

I think an alcoholic just has to decide when they are just too tired, beat up, and exhausted to cross that line anymore. Crossing the line and taking the ride to the bottom really takes a toll on the body. The ride down isn't smooth, straight, and without obstacles. There are bumps, holes, and sharp turns with jagged edges that leave you battered, confused, and disoriented. When will I be tired of crossing that line? I can't answer that. Yet.

I think my next post will be about the things I do to try to offset the damages that drinking does to my body. Damage control! You might find it interesting.


Eating for Recovery: The Essential Nutrition Plan to Reverse the Physical Damage of Alcoholism


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Surrounding Your Life Around Your Addiction

What do I mean by surrounding your life around your alcohol addiction? I mean that you frame your daily activities, your work life, and your sleeping patterns around making sure you still have time to get drunk.

I am employed at a job that I "conveniently" clock out at 10:30 PM. This means that I still have 2 hours to drink in a bar before the bar closes, and then continue drinking for several more hours after I get home. I rationalize to myself that not getting to a bar until 11:00 PM, keeps me sober enough to drive home (or walk because I live right next to a bar), and even if I stay up till 5:00 in the morning, I can sleep off the ensuing hangover until 3:00 in the afternoon.

If I had a job where I worked an 8-5:30 shift, trouble would undoubtedly follow. The type of alcoholic that I am makes leaving a bar or putting down my beer nearly impossible if I happen to be having a good time. If I went straight to a bar after I got off of work at 5:30 PM I would have 7 hours of potential drinking on my hands. Not only would that be expensive, I also would be entirely too drunk to drive a vehicle. With me that would be a scary, and potential game of Russian Roulette.

I'm such a mess that when I move to a new location, the location of a bar within walking distance takes priority over so many other factors that should be much more of an important factor. To somebody that doesn't suffer from alcoholism, it is very hard for them to understand a thinking process such as this. There are many types of alcoholics. This is just one example of some of the craziness that goes on within my head.

I have taken jobs that really don't have much of a future, solely to cater to my alcoholism. Many alcoholics function and even thrive in high profile jobs. Doctors, lawyers, teachers, police officers, etc.... I am not one of those types of alcoholics. I really feel as if I have underachieved my entire life, and all the dreams of my childhood have remained unfulfilled. Alcoholism can (and will) steal your dreams, ruin your health, and rob you of your ambition.. If I could snap my fingers and make the demons go away, I would. Still searching for a way.

Thanks for reading today's post about my battles with alcoholism, and why I do the things I do regarding my alcohol habit. You don't have to agree or disagree with anything that I have to say. We are all different human beings, and the way we think about issues is unique with each individual.

Alcohol Cause or Cure Insomnia?

Well, here I sit at about 3:00 PM in the afternoon and I'm just getting up, moving around and trying to be halfway productive. I went to a Halloween party last night and actually contained myself pretty well. I guess I was a little too sober to have much fun (remember this is an alcoholic mentality that I have), so I went home early at around 11:30. Of course I couldn't sleep, so in a "zombie like" trance I walked to the refrigerator (I think I've did this routine before) and popped open a beer. Since I knew that sleep wouldn't be coming my way I put on some music, lit up a smoke, and continued with my habitual process.

So does alcoholism cause or cure Insomnia? Well, I think the answer is both, and both answers are a lose/lose situation. Alcohol can cure insomnia (for the night) if you drink enough, but any alcoholic can tell you is that it takes A LOT of booze to knock you out. It takes enough booze to cause extreme hangovers and literally ruin your next days productivity. How can you be on top of your game when your head is splitting in two, nauseous, and your head's spinning because you are still actually drunk for the first half of the next day.

Insomnia can also throw a wrench into your daily life as well. When your walking around in a distempered zombie like state of mind, embracing your life, work, and those around you can be quite a difficult task. So what do you do? Drink more alcohol? Take valium or sleeping pills? Take herbal formulas? The latter may be the best alternative, but I have found that when your battling an addiction with alcohol, taking a melatonin or something like that doesn't seem to do the trick.

So why would alcohol cause insomnia? Well, I don't have any doctorate degrees on my wall so I can't give you an authoritative answer. I can only speak from my experiences of dealing with both. Besides wouldn't you want an opinion from someone who actually suffers with these issues, rather than some man/woman in a coat who probably doesn't have a clue (other than what they have read in a book) of what they are talking about?

I believe that when an alcoholic abstains, or drinks in moderation for a night, the addictive "demons" of alcohol come to life and come knocking on your brain. I know some of you out there are nodding your head as if you can relate to what I'm talking about. If you don't suffer from this you are probably a bit bewildered. Addiction can actually speak to you inside your head. Speak to you INCESSANTLY until it gets what it wants. You can withhold all you want, but the addiction will still be sitting there with its greedy hands out.

So to refrain from rambling on for hours, I will come up with my "professional alcoholic" hypothesis. People suffer from insomnia that have never touched a drop from alcohol, but yes alcoholism does cause insomnia. If your an alcoholic and you can recall the days of sleeping like a baby, the bottle in your hand is the selfish culprit. So why don't I just stop drinking? Ha ha.. Well, you have to be willing to say goodbye to your life long best friend (however much of selfish jerk your best friend is), and I'm not quite ready to do that yet. We dance so well together. At least until we fall down on our face. Yet alcoholics are a stubborn breed. We get up to do the dance once again.

If you have just started reading this blog, do yourself a favor and start from the beginning. You can't just open up a book in the middle can ya? Well, until the next article my friends, have a good evening and be safe in this dangerous (often self induced) world we live in out there.

P.S. If you haven't decided to quit drinking, or if you have quit drinking and want to reverse some of the damage that you have done to your body over the years, I'd like to suggest the following book. I don't plug shameless ads of products that I haven't used (or read in this case) myself. Have a great day!
Eating for Recovery: The Essential Nutrition Plan to Reverse the Physical Damage of Alcoholism

My Drunken Mind

First and foremost, I am a 35 year old alcoholic that battles the demons of alcohol every day of my life. I am not a recovering alcoholic. I am a practicing alcoholic that still drinks around 5 days a week. I am writing this blog for several reasons. One reason is to provide myself an outlet to release a lot of emotions that the addiction of alcohol unleashes upon my soul. My hope is that I can gain a greater understanding of "why I do the things I do", and gain a greater perspective on this mind/body/soul altering disease.

Secondly, I believe that I can offer the internet world a different take on the traditional alcoholics website. I don't have any happy endings or self proclamations that will give an alcoholic some inspirational words of wisdom that will somehow take away the battles that lie within each individual. I want to provide a place for someone to go to when they just want to relate with another alcoholic. Someone who won't tell you how to "fix you", or someone who won't judge you for some of the decisions that you have made in your life. I have made so many poor, alcohol induced decisions throughout the years, to screw up the lives of an entire community of otherwise healthy individuals! Lol.. (sometimes you just have to laugh to yourself to keep from crying!).

This blog is not solely for alcoholics that are still drinking. It is for everybody out there that doesn't understand, or can quite wrap their mind around, how an alcoholic's mind works. The answer is you CAN'T understand, without stepping inside the hazy mind and warped reasoning of an alcoholic. Many of you have wives, husbands, children, parents, and friends who you deeply care about but can't seem to reach while they live life through a boozy haze. Well, you need to know what exactly it is that they are going through. This blog is for all of you as well!

This will also be an outlet for the recovering alcoholic that is wavering on falling off the wagon. From my short bouts of "alcohol abstinence" throughout my 20 years of drinking, it becomes very easy to remember all of the good times, and kind of let the downfalls of the disease to not seem quite as significant as once remembered.

Alcoholism doesn't just bring us nightmares and heartache. It also brings moments of absolute bliss. Lets not kid ourselves about this. Any alcoholic can bring up a thousand stories that can bring us all a laugh, and 1000 more that would make you question why anybody would put themselves (and others) through so much pain. Alcoholism is a roller coaster that I continue to ride everyday. So step on board and come along for the chaotic ride. I have no idea when the ride ends, or if it will just continue in an endless loop heading nowhere.

I have enough to say to last a lifetime, but I also know that you all have busy lives and can't afford to spend hours reading the life of some alcoholic in one day. I'll try to keep the blog articles short enough for you to read with your morning coffee or as you unwind after a hard days work.

An alcoholics mind is very complex. We are often looked down upon, but many of us think and feel so deeply that just making a clear and concise decision isn't quite as easy as others may think. Just remember that the alcoholism rate of famous writers and artists surpasses the alcoholism rates of any other occupation. Just reading about the crazy antics that some of the literary greats in history have done in their lives, just kind of soothes my mind in knowing that just because I am an alcoholic doesn't mean that I'm not a "super-something" underneath.

Time will tell what lies ahead. I have a lot to say, and hope you and others out there may benefit from it in some small way. I'll stop posting for now. Stay tuned. We are just opening the crazy book of alcoholism and haven't even reached chapter one yet!