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Friday, December 25, 2009

Should I Write About My Alcoholism Again?

An alcoholic thoughts
Well, its been almost exactly a year since I have posted to my blog on alcoholism. Looking through dozens of comments, and emails about my alcoholism blog, I have decided to continue to write. Many readers have taken offense to my prior postings of the past by saying that I was making "light" of alcoholism, and others sent me thanks from understanding that I was shedding light on alcoholism through the eyes of a practicing alcoholic.

For those that sent me very uninformed, hateful emails condemning my writing, you might as well turn your head in the other direction because if you are still subscribed to this feed, you are going to subjected to more thoughts from a PRACTICING alcoholic.

For the past year I have had many ups and downs. A relationship ended, we reconciled, separated again, and now are in the process of trying yet again. Can you imagine an alcoholic having relationship problems? NAHHH, no way! LOL..

The good news is I have been successfull (at times) to have been able to keep my disease at bay. I have been working full time, and have enrolled in college last fall (at the age of 36). The only way that I am able to ward off cravings to my non relenting disease is by totally exhausting myself throughout the day. Exhausting myself so much that sleep actually becomes more attractive than getting drunk. I have been able to keep my drinking at bay throughout the work and school week because I am soooo busy from 7 AM until about 11:00 PM at night. I was pretty proud that I was able to accomplish temporary abstinence from getting wasted. However, its not as rosy of a picture as it may seem.

When the weekend would come, and all of my homework was caught up, I would typically be drunk from Friday when I clocked out from work until Sunday evening. The weekend would fly by in a blurr, and the next thing I knew, my alarm clock would be screaming at me to wake up Monday morning. My head would be pulsating, my heart racing, and my dreaded Mondays were usually very hard to get through. My temporary week long abstinence would begin again until the dark looming weekend that would lie ahead.

Throughout the week my head would clear, I had energy at work, and my head had the clarity to concentrate on my college studies. I was amazed how well my body and mind would feel from Wednesday thru Friday. Why would I throw this amazing feeling down the toilet? Well, if your an alcoholic you know exactly why! If your not an alcoholic, you may never truly understand. It's as if I made a "deal" with my alcoholic demons that live inside me, to give me some peace throughout the week as I worked (to afford the luxury to buy more alcohol) and the mental clarity to improve my future through education.

Well, here I sit on the computer on Christmas Day. My college semester went great and I got A's in all (three) of my classes. The next semester doesn't start until January 8th. What is a practicing alcoholic to do? The outlook doesn't look promising. I have already gotten calls to meet some "alcoholic friends" to go up to a nearby sports bar and watch the the football game. I'm tempted to go join them. The repercussions that lie ahead will probably lose this internal struggle.

So, I would like to ask my readers (or future readers) if you think that I should continue writing my blog about the internal struggle that alcoholics face? Like I have said in the past, there are thousands of stories of recovering alcoholics, yet you don't often read about those that are still practicing despite the pain that it inflicts on their everyday lives. Do you want to know about the continuing struggle? The struggle that is there everyday of their lives?

It is shameful, and embarrassing to write to the world about some mind twisting activities that alcoholics find themselves indulged in. It absolutely doesn't make sense to someone without the affliction. I am sure the hateful emails and comments will soon come again. I also know shedding light to non-alcoholics about what lies inside the mind of an alcoholic has been very helpful to them. Considering this, I am strongly considering posting regularly again despite those that condemn me for doing so.
For those that are in Alcoholics anonymous or are interested in AA I strongly suggest the following book. I have been to Alcoholics Anonymous many times, and while the big book is very good, it seems like all the stories are soooo outdated. Here is the big book, but it has a lot of stories written in 2008 that the modern day alcoholic can relate to!!
Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book: Including: Personal Stories for the Year 2008


Anonymous said...

Keep it going your giving an honest picture of your condition and should be applauded for it not condemned.
Why lie and try to placate other people by pretending something is otherwise best of luck with your battle in trying to kick the bottle, maybe someday you'l be writing of better news, but for the time being keep true to the situation.

Jeff said...

Thanks for your comment. I think that I will heed our advice! ;)

Anonymous said...

In the past I have had to deal with an alcoholic parent and sibling and am now working with my spouse to endure their alcoholic sibling. Your blog is not glorifying the lifestyle but showing the uphill battle you're fighting. I appreciate having the opportunity to gain a first-person’s perspective on the illness. Keep writing and I hope you can kick this eventually—it doesn’t appear to be a fun life.

Anonymous said...

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am married to an active alcoholic who continues to hurt our children and myself. For 18 years I have seen my husband drink himself away and I could never understand why. As a non alcoholic I cannot truly understand the struggle. My husband was highly functioning but no longer holds down a job. There is never enough money for the children's needs but there is always money for drink. It makes me sad and angry. We are leaving the alcoholic when school is over for him to come to terms with his "disease".

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