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Sunday, November 29, 2015

4 years later - Stronger and Still .... Just Here!....

I really don't know what to say after a few years.   I love that a few people still come across my blog..   I will add to this tomorrow!

Saturday, July 7, 2012

OMG, I'm still alive. Despite myself, Alcoholism

Hey, strangers...  You may have forgotten about me, or may have just left me for dead. Or may just not care. I get all three scenerios.  I've been better, been worse, been hopeful, been desolate, been there, been gone.  Yep... Been there.

Yep, I'm drunk right now. What do you want me to say? Let you know how I failed again? Nahhhh, you know that already.  Sobriety is kinda lame.  I mean really.... Tried it.  Somewhat boring to tell you the truth.

So, let me get this straight.  We all get one life.  We all agree on that right?  At the end of our one life, we die...  We still on the same page?  Hope so...  What gives ANYONE the right to say what is right or wrong in this very finite space that we have?  I don't get it... When someone takes a grandiose position on me or how I live it makes me laugh. 

I can smell a rose and taste the flavors behind each petal...  You can't do that when your a retard drone.  I can lay in grass and stare at the moonlight.  Without your judgement? No...  Yes, I want acceptance.....   why do we all want to be accepted?  We just do.

Without alcohol, I feel dull. Creativity dies.  Colors don't seem bright.  What am I to do? Walk around in a dull world without bright colors?  I can do that, but life isn't fun when I do so :(

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Alcoholism Remedy, Dreams, Reach Your Goal, Structure Your Life

Remedy For Alcoholism? Yes! Plan Your Goals and Structure

I know I haven't posted in quite awhile. That's a good thing though! For those that have followed this blog understand that I've been a mess and was willfully killing myself. Life is an absolutely amazing journey.  If you open up your mind to just a slight possibility you allow "possibility"..

Is there an easy remedy for alcoholism? Probably not.  Definitely not a homeopathic one ;)  Can you get your life back in order? Hell "F&*(%$" Yeah.  It all relies in your dreams and goals, and if you are willing to restructure your life to meet those goals.

For me (it's different for each person) I was just sad.  I had a horrible job that paid me a shitty amount of dollars every hour to be there.  I stayed in this bullshit crap job for years because I had bills to pay.  Ex wife and child support wouldn't be understanding if I just said "No, I'm going to try something new that may have better possibilities".


Alcoholism Remedies
Plan Your Goals and Structure

So your sick and tired of being sick and tired right? Blah, blah, blah you have heard those AA  quotes, but they don't apply to you or the strength of the quote holds no weight anymore. Many people swear by AA and I absolutely love that it has saved so many lives.  I just don't get it or the whole concept of the whole deal.  So, what helped me?

Well, I'm not "all better" by any means. About twice a month I'll drink and feel like shit the next day.  In comparison to how miserable my life was, this is a victory for me.

This is what I did to improve my "f'ed" up life.......  Decide what you really, really want to do in your life and get your plan together to achieve it.  I quit my job.  This was the foremost and most important decision I made.  When you do this your instantly in a "no help" zone.  Your don't get helpful assistance. It's all up to you!  Yet, it will bring a smile to your face. Your ready to roll up those sleeves :).  Nothing falls in your lap though.  Find what makes you passionate and do it till it hurts. You can't fail if you keep trying.

Many people tell themselves that they can't do a particular task. What if you would say to me that you can't "tread water for 1 minute"..  That you aren't a good swimmer and don't have the stamina.  I would bet my life that if I took you into the middle of Lake Michigan on a calm day and said that you had to swim for 3 minutes....or else....!  You would make it for those 3 minutes! Your wayyyyy stronger than you think you are.

Dreams

Well, I should stop rambling.. I have no good answers for anyone. I've drank and ruined many peoples lives. It hurts me when I think about the pain that I have caused.  I'm hoping that someone listens to a 20 year "beer drinking veteran" what dreams can mean. They can crush you if you let them sit in the back of your closet.  Don't say "next year when the times are right"... F%$* that ...  Chase your dream THIS year... You don't have the money to achieve that dream? Bullshit... (you just have to get used to eating peanut butter and jelly for a little while. LOL) Just chase your dream and stop making excuses. Please!! Structure your life, reach your goal, and be happy! What's the worst that could happen? Get depressed and fall into the bottle? Isn't that where you are anyway?

Remedy for alcoholism? Nah...  There's no magic potion. Set goals, structure your life, and reach your dreams. You will be amazed at how your "cravings" will be aligned around your goals. You have to put your mind and heart somewhere. Plain and simple...... If your goal is to get drunk, you will have cravings to do so. If you set goals to reach whatever dream you have, you should aim your vessel towards it. Keep moving forward and never ever straight.

Monday, August 1, 2011

"The Awakening", Best Inspirational Poem Ever!

The Awakening - The Best Inspirational Poem That I Have Ever Read

I just had to share this.  I am not positive who the author is. Most sites say the author is unknown. I found one site who says the author is Sonny Carroll.  It is very inspirational for anyone. I think that alcoholics who may need some hope and inspiration, will appreciate this so I thought I would share it here.

I was just browsing around a forum on another website and came across this. After the first paragraph I was like, "Whoa, this is good"! Enjoy, and tell me what you think!  I need to have this poem framed and put on my wall.... Or my front door so I see it before I ever try to exit the house :)

The Awakening
The Awakening Poem

A time comes in your life when you finally get it . . . When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out - ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum,your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is your awakening.


You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon.You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world there aren't always fairytale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of"happily ever after" must begin with you and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.


You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are . . . and that's OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you(or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.


You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it's not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process a sense of safety & security is born of self-reliance.


You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties and in the process a sense of peace & contentment is born of forgiveness.


You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is as a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. And you begin to sift through all the crap you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look and how much you should weigh, what you should wear and where you should shop and what you should drive, how and where you should live and what you should do for a living, who you should marry and what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children or what you owe your parents.


You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with and in the process you learn to go with your instincts. You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix.


Your learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.


You learn that you don't know everything; it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.


Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name.


You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes.You learn that just as people grow and change so it is with love . . . and you learn that you don't have the right to demand love on your terms just to make you happy.


And, you learn that alone does not mean lonely . . . And you look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stack up." You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs.


You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK ... and that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things that you want and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.


You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love,kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won't settle for less. And, you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you to glorify you with his touch . . . and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect.


And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care of it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest.


And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play. You learn, that for the most part, in life you get what you believe you deserve . . . and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.


You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen.


More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it's OK to risk asking for help. You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time. FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms.


And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It's just life happening. And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state -- the ego.


You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls. You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about; a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed,a long hot shower.


Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your heart's desire. And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.


Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to as best as you can.


- Unknown

These are one of those inspirational poems that you can read again.  Read more inspirational memes that can move and heal your heart.

Friday, July 29, 2011

Alcohol, Benzo Withdrawal, Anxiety, and GABA Receptors

Alcohol, Benzo Withdrawal, and GABA Receptors

benzo withdrawals, Alcohol, Anxiety
Hello everyone, this has been an interesting week to say the least. By the title of this message you may be wondering where I'm going with this. I'll try to be brief as possible since this is an alcoholism blog, but there is a purpose so hang with me ;)

I first was given benzodiazepines when I was 17 years old (I'm 38 now) after I couldn't breathe to save my life. The doctors said I had an anxiety attack and gave me benzo's. So what are benzodiazepines? They are sedatives and you may have heard of them as Xanax, Ativan, Lorazepam, Valium, Klonopin (pick your poison) etc.....  I was supposed to take them whenever I felt anxiety coming on.. They worked just like magic.

Benzo's worked so well I was on them for the next 21 years. So, what's the point? Well, the doctors (I have been to more dr.'s than I have fingers and toes) told me that they could be addictive and to never abuse them. I never did. I never took more than the recommended dose. They say right on the pill bottle that they are to be used to treat ANXIETY..

So, what do the doctors NOT tell you? Well, your body builds up a tolerance to benzo's and once you reach your tolerance point, you have to increase the dose if you want relief from anxiety. If you don't take more and more they will GIVE you more life damaging symptoms than you could ever imagine.

For the past 20 years I have suffered from shortness of breath, racing heart, paranoia, anti social tendencies, insomnia, amongst many other side effects. I just thought that I was an outcast from society.  Well, why didn't I stop taking them? Well, whenever I would take a pill those horrible those symptoms would go away. I always thought that I just had severe anxiety, which I did and DO. What I didn't know is that the very pills that would make my symptoms go away was also CAUSING them.

What does this have to do with alcoholism? Funny you should ask. In the past couple of months I have been having such severe anxiety that my little magic benzo's would no longer work. I either had to take double the dosage or suffer horrific side effects. I have reached my current dosage tolerance and am in constant withdrawal. If I would go to the doctor he/she would say that it's anxiety and they would recommend upping the dosage to make the anxiety go away. So, I'm supposed to up my dosage, AGAIN. Why didn't ONE doctor in 21 years ever tell me that it was the benzo's that was causing my severe anxiety? After going to the ER a dozen times thinking I was having a heart attack why didn't ONE doctor tell me it was from the benzos? While I racked up immense medical bills not one of them told me a thing about withdrawal or the symptoms.

Oh yeah, got off track, what does this have to do with alcoholism? After being on benzos (my magic pill for anxiety) for over two decades I found out that if you drink alcohol, those horrible symptoms also go away. While you are drinking and eventually get drunk you have total relief from the dreaded anxiety that you fear. I self medicated my symptoms with alcohol for many, many years. It helped me breathe, it helped me not have social anxiety, my heart wouldn't race, and I could sleep. I'm not saying benzo's caused my alcoholism, but they sure as hell did play a major part.

The title of the blog says something about "GABA Receptors". What does this have to do with alcohol or benzos?

Last week after doing some research on the internet about alcohol withdrawal (when I could barely function while in withdrawal) I found out that alcohol attaches to your GABA receptors in your brain the same way that benzos do. So what is GABA? I'm sure as hell no expert, and just researched this last week, so I urge you do your own research, but I'll try to sum it up in laymen's terms.

You have heard of the "fight or flight" response right? Well, GABA receptors control that "calm" feeling. When you take benzo's (or alcohol) everyday your GABA receptors in your brain gets used to the benzo's or alcohol doing the job. Your GABA receptor stops working. Your "fight or flight" is no longer working. The "calm" no longer works. What you have left is "fight" response. The central nervous system excitability, anxiety, etc... This is what gives heavy drinkers alcohol withdrawal symptoms that can actually be deadly. This is also what gives you benzo withdrawals. Doctors don't tell you this. They will just put you on every anti-depressant known to man, OR up your benzo dosage.  "Ching Ching, monthly doctor visit".

Alcohol withdrawal only lasts a few days, yet it can be life threatening. Benzo withdrawals can last a couple of years, and even longer if you have been taking it for a long time. They say that the withdrawals are worse than heroin! I have taken it for 21 years!! Withdrawal from benzo's can kill you.. Maybe my doctor should have told me that! Yes, I have heard they are addictive, but I never ever ever abused them! I never used them as a recreational drug. They simply took away my anxiety (even though it was the benzo's that caused my anxiety). Where'as alcohol leaves your body relatively quickly, benzo's stay in your brain for a longgggg time, and your GABA receptors have to reteach themselves how to function again so your "fight or flight response" will work again. This process can take a many months, or even years.

If you only took an aspirin when you got a headache would you ever think that you were abusing a drug? That's how I felt when I took lorazepam (the benzo I've been on for 21 years). I only took it to take away anxiety, like a tylenol pill takes away a headache.

I'm going to cut this short (ha ha), but I wanted to put this info out there to any alcoholic who also is prescribed benzos. NEVER take them together, and if you haven't been on benzo's for a long time,  stop NOW! I promise you that you will regret it if you don't. I now have to slowly taper off the drug, and endure horrible withdrawal. Quitting cold turkey can cause seizure and death. As you taper off the benzo over time withdrawal symptoms may increase to horrific levels.

P.S. I found out this information simply by searching Google using terms like "benzo withdrawal" and "GABA receptors and benzo/alcohol withdrawal", etc.... www.benzobuddies.org is a forum where people suffering from benzo withdrawal like me talk about their horrible symptoms. I strongly recommend checking it out.

P.S.S. "Hey Doctors! Thanks for the heads up and warning, ASSHOLES!"

P.S.S.S. I haven't drank in five days :) Haven't started tapering off the benzos yet. Horrible tolerance symptoms though

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Time's Are Making Changes My Friends

Times are making changes my friends.
What side of the fence do you reside?
I have been on both, and let me tell ya
The grass is greener on only one side

-------------------

I know short post, but I liked it... and it's true... Goodnight

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Transitioning Your Life, Alcoholics Routine

Transitioning Your Life and Breaking Out Of The Alcoholics Routine

quitting and transitioning your life from alcoholism
I have come to realize that one of the hardest things to do (if you are an alcoholic) is removing yourself from the routine that you have probably done frequently for years.  I really don't know how to do this, but it's interesting to me how everything relies on your ability to accomplish this critical task.

How do you transition your life and break out of the alcoholics routine?

Not really sure. I got drunk tonight. Not really too pleased about it.. It was the same old self destructive routine that I have done again, and again, and again.

I have been to AA, have read addiction self help books, cried out to God, and have unleashed "Oh poor me" text messages.  I've did the drunk facebooking (how embarrassing), been arrested (too many times), and have suffered through the worst hangovers that you could ever imagine.

How do you make the transition?

I think you need some kind of a goal, and I think that you need some kind of reinforcement from an outside influence. Alcoholics have a chemical addiction that longs to be satisfied. There is no joy during the chemical withdrawal process.  That's why I think you need a good support system in place and they need to know that "going to the park" or "going to the movies" may not give you quite the same enjoyment (as a healthy minded sober person) when you have decided not to drink anymore. Mentally and emotionally it will be a roller coaster until your body adjusts to what a "normal healthy" person feels.

Alcohol, cigarettes, cocaine, heroine, pasta (yes, carbohydrate rich food) , and many other things boost your serotonin levels. When you take away what you are addicted to, your serotonin levels crash.  Serotonin levels control your mood. Anti depressants like Prozac work (although with unwanted side effects) by boosting serotonin levels.

So how do you transition your life? How do you bust out of the alcoholics routine?

I really, really don't know.  I've listened to recovering alcoholics, I've been punished by the law, and yet still drink. I think that saying of "Sick and Tired of being Sick and Tired" makes a lot of sense.  That was pretty much how I felt when I was sick of how cigarettes made me feel.  Cigs were so much easier for me to quit because I never really felt joy from them. Alcohol does give me joy from time to time.  How do you bust out of the alcoholics routine?  I don't know. I'm open to suggestions.

Have You Ever Woken Up and Not Know Where Your At?