I want to smoke a cigarette so bad!

Cigarettes are killers.. We all know that... When you have smoked them for some time they almost become your best friend... Right now I would love a cigarette more than anything in this world... This venture is a tough cookie... They say the physical addiction only lasts for 5 days or so... Right now, I want a cig. I haven't had one though.... Guess that means i have made one small victory?

I want to make a much rosier and brighter picture! I want those that are in my life to uplift me. I want to encourage others that are stricken with alcoholism.. I want to bring back the special people that were in my life that truly cared about me!

Never kid yourself. There are very few people that actually care and love you.. If you were in a dark alley ready to get mugged how many would put their health and safety on the line just for you!.. The ones that do, those are cool people.. Angels maybe.

Its so quiet before the storm hits.

Well, friends I have thrown down the gauntlet. I am quitting smokes after the Superbowl on Sunday.. I have told nearly everyone I have known in my life! I have blasted it across facebook, and those that I have confided in.. Why would I do that?

I feel that some things you just cant do on your own. The inspiration just is not there! Sometimes you fear of the one that you LOVE will be disappointed in you! If I fail and continue to smoke, I will make many dozens frown. I won't do that. I'm done my friends. It's going to be hard as hell.

I am the the last one hanging amongst my childhood friends.. They have ALL quit! They all smoked like me, or MORE!. They have chosen to choose life, without carcinogens. Kind of like how I was always the last one drinking on many occasions..

I'm the last of the bunch that hasn't put down the bottle for their own happiness and fulfillment. I had no idea that I would be the last person to just "wake the fuck up"! I was hard headed then, and I guess I am now.

Monday is the last day I suck in a carcinogen voluntarily ever into my lungs. I promise..! Believe me?

I Want To Quit Alcohol

I announced to everyone that "lives" inside my cellphone that I will be quitting cigarettes very soon... Now, I am obligated or those that believed in me will be disappointed. That can't happen! I am quitting, and I will never smoke on a cancer stick again! Does anyone believe me? I hope so. Alcoholism, is a dirty rotten friend. Hope someone believes in what I am saying. I hope for encouragement.. Maybe a smile..

Finally seeing the light

Maybe I will only see the light for a moment. Maybe it will last. I am tired. Been physically abused by demons and alcohol. I'm tired of it! I'm ready. I've sung songs with a noose around my neck.. knowing that the noose wouldn't be tightened further... At least for the night.

I'm ready. I may be (or feel) alone, but I don't want this anymore. I can drink more than 3 souls can and hold a straight face. I can function with a .3 alcohol content in my blood.. That's not bragging, its sadness and knowing that I will kill myself in due time if I continue.. I want to overcome! I will, and this fact is finally starting to make me smile! Just the thought that you and I can!

I remember my last DWI, and the cops said to me that I wasn't slurring my speech when I blew a .257 was disturbing to them.. I hadn't drank in almost 2 hours (after the being logged in to jail) so you know that I was up around .3 when I was taken into custody.. Geesh.. There is no joy knowing that you can fill yourself with immense amounts of alcohol and still function.

There is Always Another Mountain

There is a mountain that lies ahead. A mountain that stretches and turns up into the clouds. Each step upwards is scary during this upwards incline. Take a step..."just one"... there you go.. How about just one more? Nobody wants to hear... y make eyes roll? y feel pathetic?

You Don't Fit In With The Crowd

It's cold outside, and your fingers ache. You long for someone to wrap their arms around you and connect. Someone to say to you that it's ok and that they will just hang out with you. Someone to say that they understand. You long for a friend. Just a friend. Someone that could just grab your shaking fingers, squeeze them kinda tight, lift them a few inches above from where they are at and say "I'm right here my friend." Is that too much to ask?

Nobody goes through darkness when someone has a plan. So, one would think. I have so many plans, but plans go by the wayside. I want to achieve them, and shout them from the heavens, but it seems like there isn't anyone to tell them to.

I was drunk at the bar tonight in an ice storm. Probably 12 other people in the bar. I chose to walk alone through the icy rain home because there was not one person in that entire bar that I had any desire to hear, or feel my pain! I never said a word about anything, but it was apparent that they only had one thing on their mind. They had their own addictive agendas that I don't want to see. Addictions that I never want to witness.

I never disclosed one word about any ailments that I may have been feeling at the time. It just wasnt there. I would rather talk to my anonymous friends on the internet then open up another can of addiction with those that wouldn't even hesitate to go on freely in their own fucked up lives.

I may be screwed up, but atleast I think about why I'm screwed up. Sadness envelops me, and reality slaps me in the face. There is joy however! As much as I am confused, and fighting addiction, I feel like I'm further along than those that sat beside me tonight.

Ten Monkeys Lying In My Bed

Ten monkeys lying in my bed. You don't want them there. What can you do? It doesn't seem like a fair fight does it? It's not a fair fight. What can you do when you throw one off, and they're are still nine more? Be strong, look at those monkeys (I'm referring to demons) in the eye and rebuke them.

For those of you without addiction, imagine these monkeys hanging on your back like a friggin "backpack".. It's so heavy! They don't leave, and they are alway's there to give you input inside of your restraining ear. You know whats right, proper, and what the correct decisions are. By yourself (without monkeys) it's easy.. Done, and fixed. Not so easy sly boy. You have ten monkeys on your back. The monkeys are insomniacs. They start eating you LITERALLY from the inside out...They don't fear death. They encourage death. These monkeys (addiction feeding demons), will kill you and kiss your kids afterwards (providing a little comfort and hoping that they can kill them too).

What can you do? I'm not sure exactly and I have a couple Angels in my life who are rooting, praying, and cheering for me every single day! Counsel, love, and forgiveness is wonderful. For that, I'm thankful. How does one person fight against ten monkeys? One at a time.

One monkey, you can corner the animal. You then have the ability to look at the demon in it's eye's. You can then rebuke the fucker, flip it off and roll it off your back... Just like "Misery loves company", it's also just as viable that you can meet the morning knowing that you are stronger than those darn monkeys!