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Saturday, July 7, 2012

OMG, I'm still alive. Despite myself, Alcoholism

Hey, strangers...  You may have forgotten about me, or may have just left me for dead. Or may just not care. I get all three scenerios.  I've been better, been worse, been hopeful, been desolate, been there, been gone.  Yep... Been there.

Yep, I'm drunk right now. What do you want me to say? Let you know how I failed again? Nahhhh, you know that already.  Sobriety is kinda lame.  I mean really.... Tried it.  Somewhat boring to tell you the truth.

So, let me get this straight.  We all get one life.  We all agree on that right?  At the end of our one life, we die...  We still on the same page?  Hope so...  What gives ANYONE the right to say what is right or wrong in this very finite space that we have?  I don't get it... When someone takes a grandiose position on me or how I live it makes me laugh. 

I can smell a rose and taste the flavors behind each petal...  You can't do that when your a retard drone.  I can lay in grass and stare at the moonlight.  Without your judgement? No...  Yes, I want acceptance.....   why do we all want to be accepted?  We just do.

Without alcohol, I feel dull. Creativity dies.  Colors don't seem bright.  What am I to do? Walk around in a dull world without bright colors?  I can do that, but life isn't fun when I do so :(


Anonymous said...

You have never been alive. The alcohol has tricked you in believing you are. I wish you well. But I am doubtful you will
ever really see or taste a rose.

Anonymous said...

You are absolutely, unequivocally RIGHT. It is your life and you should be able to live it as you see fit and no one should judge you for that. BUT – that’s a two way street – a person also should not be judged for choosing to distance themselves from you and/or your lifestyle. It doesn’t mean they no longer care about you – it just means it hurts too much to watch closely while you self-destruct.

You seem to have some contempt for those who don’t “accept” you – well, I don’t think it’s you they don’t accept – pretty sure it’s more the lifestyle you have chosen to practice and the effect that lifestyle choice has on you and them that’s not accepted.

Final thought – it seems to be a lonely road, my friend. Take a look at your other posts, drunk and sober. Most are not exactly the thoughts of a happy person. I would venture a guess that you have hurt yourself, hurt those close to you and have probably lost some people who you found an important part of your life because of alcoholism. So I guess it comes down to this….which would you rather be? Happy or Right? I don’t see this as being one of those situations where you can be both.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. Here’s hoping that you find peace in however you choose to lead your life – and here’s hoping that those who love you find the same because I know it’s a tough road for them as well.

Anonymous said...

I found your blog as I have been searching the internet for information on cirrhosis. My 49 yo nephew just died from it after only being diagnosed 6 weeks earlier. I hope that you are successful in your choices, whatever they might be, but please know that the liver is a very dangerous thing to play with. I couldn't convince him but maybe you will do the same search I have done on end stage liver disease and that will be your awakening. Regards.

alcoholics life said...

Thanks to all three of you who left comments. I read them all and will absorb everything you were trying to say towards me and for me. All duly appreciated. I wish you all well :)

Anonymous said...

One more thing, (it was my 49 yo nephew), have you thought about some of the new medicines that are available to stop the craving itself. I wish I had known more about those for him. There is so much information out there, please read it, when you are sober and drunk. I wish I had looked at all of this stuff earlier and I could have told him what I found. At least he could have made a decision with a clear mind. Hepatic encephalopathy kills your ability to think..and stop drinking. I'm praying that you stop, even if you don't want to right now :)

Mark said...

When the time is right you will stop.

I had to wait until the bad stuff alcohol was doing to me far outweighed the good it did for me.

It always surprises me when recovering alcoholics talk shit to practicing alcoholics.

Most of them have decided hundreds of times that life without alcohol was too horrible. Most of them have tried to cut back and failed.

People like me have no right to judge you.

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