Alcoholism, Insomnia, and WTF

Why am I up? I don't know. Why do I drink? Bandaid painkiller I suppose. Do I choose to feel pain? Not directly, but yes. Does anyone understand? Only those that suffer from my affliction.

Alcoholism sucks. Straight and simple. What sucks worse is someone telling me (or a fellow alcoholic) that u just need to quit. "Buck up boy"..... Its all "a matter of choice".... or you "choose your lifestyle"... It really upsets me when people don't view addiction to alcohol as a disease. Alcoholism IS a disease. Why in hell would proud fathers, wonderful mothers, and naive children get lost in this darkness? By choice? I have never met one father, or mother (who are alcoholics) that can explain, condone, or justify their behaviors. Nobody chooses addiction. Nobody!

I am drinking a beer as I write this post. Tomorrow I start another semester of college. What a way to start out the new term huh? Imagine (if your NOT an alcoholic) getting through life like this. It is very hard. Imagine throwing on two 10 lb ankle bracelets as you walk through walmart buying your next 12 pack.

Alcoholics say lies when they don't even mean too. They can honestly say that they are going to watch a movie and go to bed. They weren't lying when they said that! They meant it, and believed it as well. The next thing you know, it's that same person suffering from alcoholism, has found themselves drunk, trying to get drunk, or just sad that they AREN'T drunk.

WTF? Why am I even writing at almost 2 in the morning? Oh yeah, any alcoholic will tell you that they get insomnia when they don't drink.

So why do alcoholics continue to drink when they are willingly screwing up their lives? That will be my next subject. Thanks to everyone who has graciously followed my lil blog.. Keep the comments coming. Good, and bad. I appreciate them both and deeply think about what you are saying.. Except when your just being mean :)

Surrounding Your Life Around Your Addiction

What do I mean by surrounding your life around your alcohol addiction? I mean that you frame your daily activities, your work life, and your sleeping patterns around making sure you still have time to get drunk.

I am employed at a job that I "conveniently" clock out at 10:30 PM. This means that I still have 2 hours to drink in a bar before the bar closes, and then continue drinking for several more hours after I get home. I rationalize to myself that not getting to a bar until 11:00 PM, keeps me sober enough to drive home (or walk because I live right next to a bar), and even if I stay up till 5:00 in the morning, I can sleep off the ensuing hangover until 3:00 in the afternoon.

If I had a job where I worked an 8-5:30 shift, trouble would undoubtedly follow. The type of alcoholic that I am makes leaving a bar or putting down my beer nearly impossible if I happen to be having a good time. If I went straight to a bar after I got off of work at 5:30 PM I would have 7 hours of potential drinking on my hands. Not only would that be expensive, I also would be entirely too drunk to drive a vehicle. With me that would be a scary, and potential game of Russian Roulette.

I'm such a mess that when I move to a new location, the location of a bar within walking distance takes priority over so many other factors that should be much more of an important factor. To somebody that doesn't suffer from alcoholism, it is very hard for them to understand a thinking process such as this. There are many types of alcoholics. This is just one example of some of the craziness that goes on within my head.

I have taken jobs that really don't have much of a future, solely to cater to my alcoholism. Many alcoholics function and even thrive in high profile jobs. Doctors, lawyers, teachers, police officers, etc.... I am not one of those types of alcoholics. I really feel as if I have underachieved my entire life, and all the dreams of my childhood have remained unfulfilled. Alcoholism can (and will) steal your dreams, ruin your health, and rob you of your ambition.. If I could snap my fingers and make the demons go away, I would. Still searching for a way.

Thanks for reading today's post about my battles with alcoholism, and why I do the things I do regarding my alcohol habit. You don't have to agree or disagree with anything that I have to say. We are all different human beings, and the way we think about issues is unique with each individual.