Why am I up? I don't know. Why do I drink? Bandaid painkiller I suppose. Do I choose to feel pain? Not directly, but yes. Does anyone understand? Only those that suffer from my affliction.
Alcoholism sucks. Straight and simple. What sucks worse is someone telling me (or a fellow alcoholic) that u just need to quit. "Buck up boy"..... Its all "a matter of choice".... or you "choose your lifestyle"... It really upsets me when people don't view addiction to alcohol as a disease. Alcoholism IS a disease. Why in hell would proud fathers, wonderful mothers, and naive children get lost in this darkness? By choice? I have never met one father, or mother (who are alcoholics) that can explain, condone, or justify their behaviors. Nobody chooses addiction. Nobody!
I am drinking a beer as I write this post. Tomorrow I start another semester of college. What a way to start out the new term huh? Imagine (if your NOT an alcoholic) getting through life like this. It is very hard. Imagine throwing on two 10 lb ankle bracelets as you walk through walmart buying your next 12 pack.
Alcoholics say lies when they don't even mean too. They can honestly say that they are going to watch a movie and go to bed. They weren't lying when they said that! They meant it, and believed it as well. The next thing you know, it's that same person suffering from alcoholism, has found themselves drunk, trying to get drunk, or just sad that they AREN'T drunk.
WTF? Why am I even writing at almost 2 in the morning? Oh yeah, any alcoholic will tell you that they get insomnia when they don't drink.
So why do alcoholics continue to drink when they are willingly screwing up their lives? That will be my next subject. Thanks to everyone who has graciously followed my lil blog.. Keep the comments coming. Good, and bad. I appreciate them both and deeply think about what you are saying.. Except when your just being mean :)
3 comments:
you sound sad, but obviously not sad enough to do anything about it. when you get sad enough, you will look for answers. unfortunately, most alcoholics have a bottomless pit for sad and miserable. its almost like they feel at home. until you feel like you cant keep living that way,I will pray for you. in the meantime, keep sharing.
As I sit and read your feelings, I wonder if this is what my husband to be feels like. He can be mean at times and full of anger. Its anger from his childhood. Why are you drinking? Its the anger from? I pray that he will be still and hear the voice of God. He, like you run off people that want to love you because of that fear? You know the thing that makes you freak out and get wasted. My mother drank and left life early because of addiction. Did she ever think about me? Her selfishness like yours left me an only child alone. Are you thinking about the impact on your daughter? Why couldn't she face her adoption issues? Why can't you face your------ issues? Why can't my boyfriend face his----- issues? Perhaps one day I won't feel so angry about my mother leaving me. Perhaps your daughter will never experience this pain. The pain of longing for her missing parent. Its up to you or is it up to the bottle? The long term affects of your selfishness is tearing me. Its almost as if I am crying for your daughter and me all over again. Why don't you alcoholics stop pretending its only a social thing? Why didn't he let me know he was an alcoholic earlier. Why do you people hide your true identity? He knew my pain growing up with an alcoholic. Does he care? Do you care about that woman so full of your self inflicting pain she called you a looser? I love him and am waiting for him to just say I give up. Give up on the bottle of demons that speak foolishness to his mind. You see I learned its not the liquor. Its facing the painful event head on. Its telling the flash backs this movie isn't playing anymore. May God give you all the strength to face reality sober and laugh. Sometimes you have to release your faith in laughter. GOD KNOWS WHY YOU LAUGH!!! He that created you knows why you drink. He loves you enough to heal and forgive you when your ready. God knew He was coming here to die for us and still he dealt with the pain without self destructing. When the battle of life's problems appear I learned to leave my boxing gloves behind. If you want to win a fight and win every time STAY OUT OF THE RING. The battle you face isn't yours stop being so arrogant!! Can you try to throw the fight and let God take your place in the ring???????????
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