Believe me? I have a plan! Not too much of a plan, but I'd rather follow a piece of bread on the ground from "Hansel" then rather to walk alone.
I was walking home from the bar tonight. Slipping under distress and sliding in the mud. My car is at the bar, but turning on the ignition wasn't a viable option.
Today was filled with rain, and the field that I journeyed through going home seemed to sink deeper with each passing step.
Carrying on this way is stupid! It's plain "fucking" stupid. Choosing to live or die will be a decision that I will have to make in the near future.
I already choose to live.. Living by yourself sucks. I want love. We all do. Who will love me? Who will accept me? I don't know. The one girl that did, crushed me.
4 comments:
Let's talk about the core truth of the universe for a second. Every person who wants to be happy should tattoo this truth on themself and read it over and over every day.
1. God loves you
2. He wants what is best for you
3. You can trust him
Think of God as your father for a second. Just as you are a father. If you daughter was in rebellion against you you would want her to come back to you and you would wait patiently for her too. Read about the parable of the lost son in Luke 15 When you come to God and obey him and follow after him then you will start receiving all of the gifts that you are looking for. He wants to give them to you but will not reward you for being in rebellion just as you would not reward your daughter for rebelling against you.
Scripture about alcohol
1. Ephesians 5:18 And don't get drunk with wine, which leads to reckless actions, but be filled with the Spirit.
2. Proverbs 23:20-21 Don't associate with those who drink too much wine, or with those who gorge themselves on meat. For the drunkard and the glutton will become poor, and grogginess will clothe,them in rags.
3. Romans 13:13 Let us walk with decency, as in the daylight: not in carousing and drunkenness; not in sexual impurity and promiscuity; not in quarreling and jealousy.
4. Galatians 5:19-21 Now the works of the flesh are obvious; sexual immorality, moral impurity, promiscuity, idolatry, sorcery, hatreds, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambitions, dissensions, factions, envy, drunkenness, carousing, and anything similar, about which I tell you in advance-as I told you before-that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.
There are many more and yes Jesus did turn water into wine. But there is a huge difference between having a drink and getting drunk.
I have followed your blog because I have always enjoyed your poetic way of expressing your feelings. I also know that you are drunk when your most creative juices are flowing.
I have watched you for the last four years in a drinking and living pattern that would wear out guns N roses.
But to use this blog to tell the world that I crushed you is apprehensible.
Anyone that has lived with an alcoholic is very aware of the pain and lonliness that I have had to endure. The nights that I have sat at home while you keep your regular bar stool occupied is just the tip of the iceburg.
There are alot of symptoms that also come with being a "raging alcoholic".
Mood swings, hangovers, missed activities, infidelity are just a few of the endurances.
Not to mention the guilt and accusations you throw around to those who love you so you feel better about how you're living.
You ask me what I need from you and I tell you. Then you accuse me of trying to control you by giving you the script. You scream that you have a mind of your own and will not allow anyone or anything to control you. Well my friend, you are being controlled everyday by your alcoholism.
Chad, you are a true friend. Sticking to your beliefs and knowing that a spiritual life can rescue him from the hell that he lives everyday is admirable.
Even if he doesn't hear it, someone reading this blog, and your comments may benefit from the path you took to escape the road to hell.
I have so many of my own "demons" and addictions that I have to work on. And reading these words on the actual written page is a wake up call to myself as well. So for that, I thank you.
Someday, maybe someday. . . .
Chad, thank you so much for explaining how God loves us like a father so He won't bless us until we stop rebelling. That rings really true for me. The scripture verse about not associating with drunkards and gluttons really resonates with me. I'm a glutton, but really food is just the drug of choice. God made food and wine - What He forbids us to do is to consume them to excess. Because in doing so we are sort of idolizing it, organizing our life around the worship of this idol.
Still it hurts that I can bring others down. When I eat to excess, I do get groggy and unmotivated to do anything. I lie to hide my unhealthy eating habits. Though I believe in God and Jesus, I even hide from them when I binge. I purposely don't pray or talk to them so I don't feel so guilty when I overeat. When I made it a habit a few months ago to wake up early and talk with or write to God for at least 30 min, I felt calmer, more at peace and didn't experience that desire to overeat.
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