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Sunday, February 21, 2010

When Alcoholism and Quitting Has Exhausted You

Being an alcoholic absolutely beats you down from the inside out. I am vacantly sitting here right now at 3:30 AM and just in some sort of a numb like state of mind. I sat on facebook for awhile and looked at my highschool friends beautiful family photos. They all look so happy, content, and living a beautiful and blissful life. There is a certain part inside of me that doesn't feel happy and joyful for them.. Why is their any contempt and resentment? Why? I loved them to death (and still do)! Why should I be jealous of a friends good fortune? I feel ashamed at myself for thinking that way.

I have drank for 23 years (I'm 37), and KNOW that I don't have anywhere NEAR that left in me. I will either be dead long before the next 23 years is up, or I will find a way to stop. DEAD or find the way.. Alcoholism doesn't allow you to have a third choice!

Never think that an alcoholic is incapable of love. Many (like me) love more than what is ever shown. Alcoholics hate themselves for hurting the ones they love. It absolutely tortures their soul. They want to be in those happy family pictures on facebook!! Yet, they still cause pain to themselves, and those around them, and those precious few that they LOVE.

I wish that I didn't LOVE to drink beer. Its an internal struggle of what "feels good" and what will "make you feel good".. Alcohol makes me "feel good", but it will never make me feel good. Confused? A night at a strip joint can make you "feel good", a lap dance can make you "feel good", but you know what? Once you leave the strip club you will feel alone, and long for a true relationship that will actually"make you feel good". Did that make any sense? I would love to hear feedback.

As I sit and gaze at the white textured walls of my home and contemplate where I am, and where I'm going, there is reason for hope! I remember talking about quitting smoking for years before I actually quit (12 days now woohoo).. Never do I remember talking about quitting drinking or even throwing that idea around in my brain until I started writing this blog two years ago! DWI's, Jail, and Prison didn't stop me! (that's how strong this addiction is!) Maybe, with some people you just have to plant the seed and let it take root.

I will be a success story. I'm not famous enough to have a documentary made about my screwed up life.. My bones in the ground, and unpaid for tombstone would soon be forgotten.. Withered with weeds, vines, leaves, and forgotten time. It would be years of life, held in a handful of dust! Who wants to go out that way? We all should be remembered for just a lil something special about them/you/us.. Peace, love, happiness and a whole bunch of smiles :)


Anonymous said...

I still cannot understand why anyone would continue to hurt themselves or those that love them. My active alcoholic husband doesn't seem to mind that our kids and I are moving out and on with our lives. It makes me so sad to see this. He didn't always treat me well when he could and now he simply can't, nor does he care. How can I or our kids compete with alcohol addiction. If a person truly wants help, there is plenty out there.

mastershops said...

Anonymous, he truly can't help it. Alcohol addiction is a beast that can be overwhelming.. When you leave, he will drink even MORE (be forewarned), and HOPEFULLY will hit a bottom and will wake up, and realize that his family is more important! If he doesn't wake up to his demons that have ruined his life, then you should move on.. I say that from a practicing alcoholics mind.. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. Your husband doesn't want to hurt you! I wish you well. I hope that he realizes what he is losing, and chooses his family!!

Anonymous said...

Dear Mastershops,

The last year of my marriage, year 18, was the most difficult. His verbal abuse, was just too much for me to bear. You are right about that he will drink more after we leave. My kids and I went away at Christmas for 2 weeks and I had evidence about the alcohol consumption. He was drunk the afternoon when we got home from our 1200 mile trip. He spent the last $50 in our checking account on alcohol when he knew I needed that for Santa gifts to our young son. Thank you for replying to my post. I do appreciate your honesty.

Erika said...

I feel the same way about facebook. Looking at everyone's wonderful lives. Sometimes it makes me crazy. You hit the nail on the head with that post

Anonymous said...

Hi, I'm not an alcoholic, but I am a binge eater and have been for the past 21 years (I am 36 now). I would venture to say that an addiction to food is even more difficult than alcoholism. You can live without alcohol - not food.

I feel more in control of my life whenever I fast for a day or so. It's a relief because I don't have to monitor how much I eat. I feel energized on an empty stomach. But when I have to go back to eating, I feel sometimes out of control, ESPECIALLY under stress or anxiety.

I don't know if this is how you feel about alcohol (I just started reading your blog), but I get a momentary joy from eating comfort food. I don't have to think about my wasted talent, mistakes, weight, etc.

I can relate to the Facebook comment. That's why I'm not even on Facebook. People expected so much out of me so I'm embittered by how my life turned out in comparison. I chose to self-medicate with food instead of feeling the pain, the boredom, the anxiety, the fear.

No one tells you how hard it is to lose weight and how differently people treat you when you are heavier. It makes you depressed so you want to eat more, and that started for me a vicious cycle that robbed me of my 20s. Had I not made those foolish decisions that snowballed into a full-on addiction, I really believe that I would have been one of those happy people on Facebook - heck, I'd actually own an account.

I guess in some small way I wanted to let you know that you're not alone and in fact may have it easier than food-holics. Whenever you do choose to quit alcohol, you'll have an easier time than food addicts. I heard that doctors even administer a drug that makes you literally sick if you try to ingest alcohol.

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