Can alcoholics write better while drunk?
The posts that I write while being drunk are usually quite embarrassing to me. I will vaguely remember writing on the computer the night before (hey, at least it beats drunk facebooking!), so I will check out to see what I had written in my drunken state of mind. The posts are almost always about how sad I am feeling at the time. Basically it is just a drunk feeling sorry for himself.
Many of the posts that I have written here are really quite pathetic, but I don't want to revise them in any way either. The premise of this blog was for people to follow the life of an active and practicing alcoholic. Anyone who is an alcoholic, or who knows an alcoholic, knows all too well that alcoholism isn't a pretty picture. It can be very messy, and yes sometimes this blog is a mess too. I will admit cleaning up a few posts the next day because some of them weren't even readable. So many misspellings and sentences that didn't make sense to myself, let alone to any reader out there. I never changed the post other than fixing some spelling and major drunken grammar catastrophes.
I encourage those to browse around and witness the radical changes in my writing from post to post. I am quite certain that you can predict how much I have had to drink with keen accuracy. So, can alcoholics write better drunk? Of, course the answer is HELL NO! However, there is ONE thing that I have learned about writing a drunken blog. I have never had a problem finding something to write about. The subject is usually filled with sorrow, anger, or self angst. I never had to sit there and think about something to write. Writing can be a way that alcoholics release their sadness, and that is something I am certain. I think my creativity is enhanced at the time..... Until I read it the next day.
While I am sober, I usually have no ambition to write about my alcoholism. It is quite humiliating and very embarrassing. In a odd way, I actually look forward to writing and releasing my pain when I get drunk. However, by the time I stumble home from the bar I am usually too drunk to write clearly. It is, what it is I guess.
I have gotten so many comments (many very rude and demeaning) about writing this blog. Why I drink, about how pathetic I am, how gutless I am, and many more. At least I am willing to throw my skeletons out of my closet. How many do you have buried?
If anyone who isn't an alcoholic and wants to ask any questions about my alcoholism I would love to comment back or even write a post about the topic. I have actually scaled back my drinking, and just maybe this blog has something to do with that. There are many people who don't understand alcoholics and can't find the answers in a book. There is no way I can understand, lets say "overeating", from reading a book about it. To me it's like "Why don't you stop eating when your full? Doesn't it make you feel sick?" I can't process the reasoning very easily. The only way I could actually learn about the process is asking someone who has that addiction.
6 comments:
I didn't realise that people thought that alcoholic artists (literary or otherwise) were more creative whilst drunk but I would expect them to be in better form while not denied their drug of choice. That is to say not drunk but also not on the wagon.
Many addictions don't require constant sating but rather veer from bender to something approaching a normal life (or at least one that can be somewhat faked) before the weekend arrives and it's time for the next bender.
As to your parting comment about overeating, I would've thought that if one was sensitive enough then all one needed to understand someone else's addiction was to have an addiction (and almost any addiction should do) themselves.
I think you're incredibly brave, and as a fellow alcoholic, your posts resonate with me so well.
I'm a writer and while I definitely used to believe that alcohol helped me to be more creative, it didn't take long before having a ''drink to relax and write more'' completely hindered my ability to do so - one drink always quickly turned into a generously proportioned three, and by that stage I'd figure ''oh well, I'm starting to get a little tipsy... CAN'T WRITE NOW! May as well CONTINUE DRINKING!'' And then I'd wake up the next day bleary-eyed, unable to concentrate and too hungover to compose a thing. Bad. Especially when a portion of your income depends on doing so.
(By the way, I'm speaking about my drinking in the past tense because I haven't had a drop of alcohol for almost two weeks now, and as difficult as it is - and oh, it IS - I want to continue this way.)
Seriously speaking, drinking doesn't really benefit serious writers. A drink after work can put you in a comfortable mindset for writing, but having more than that might impair the creative centers of your brain more than it would stimulate them.
In answer to your rhetorical question about addiction to overeating, I can say for myself that I don't overeat because I'm hungry. I don't stop once I am full because I want to prolong the pleasurable sensation of tasting delicious food. Overdoing it does make me sick (very stuffed), but I'll continue eating because I continue getting a sense of enjoyment and release from masticating food. I'll usually stop binging when I get sleepy and then sleep it off.
Keep in mind that this does not happen every day. Usually when I have a lot of things going on in my life, I don't have time to overeat. When I'm running around getting things done and getting a self-confidence boost from being so busy and proactive, I start choosing healthier options and even prefer to let less to continue on my roll. I notice that when I doll myself up and put on makeup, I'm less inclined to eat at all to not mess up my lipstick. The positive attention I get reinforces my resolve to continue losing weight and I even wonder to myself what the attraction is to overeating.
But then when I spend time alone, disconnected from family, work and friends, I like to watch TV or read and then a voice would coax me into thinking that a bag of mints would really this a much more pleasurable experience. I say to myself that I'll stop, but I will constantly find an excuse to go to the kitchen or the supermarket to pick more items that would heighten my pleasure.
It's weird, it's like having two sensations going on - the incredibly stuffed feeling and growing chub that are negative but counterbalanced by this childlike glee at eating fun food like candy, cake, cookies, etc. It's like comforting and treating the kid in me and helping me have fun so I don't feel the regret about my missed opportunities in life.
I just want to thank you for publishing this blog. I might have two male friends one 500 miles away who, in addition to long term weed use and alcohol use might be taking in a more frightening combination of drugs. HELP hence my interest.
As you are a male this heightens interest still further.
PLEASE don't let the ignorant sods comments get to you.
I live in supported housing where I am surrounded by mental illness and other horrors, There are alcoholics i have had to avoid.
A guy opening up about his alcoholism is to be commended as persons like me can learn. I need to learn, alcohol, weed and drugs!! addiction is FRIGHTENING and I need many hands to help me so perhaps my darling friend/s can be saved,
love and best wishes
To Anonymous, I too am a compulsive overeater and find it interesting that we stumble on each other thru an "alcoholics blog". I related to everything you shared. I agree that the reason for my compulsive overeating is my way of comforting myself. I have all of the sick and twisted behavior of most food addicts. i.e. hiding food, hoarding food, lying about food, purging, eating from trashcans, laxatives, diet pills, gorging, fasting. I have food a site that is just coes coming together to share their experience, strength and hope. The site is 12step4coesloop@yahoogroups.com Its a place to share and read other coes struggles and triumphs. Hope to see you there. lc
Post a Comment