I'm So Close To Quitting Drinking

I'm not an expert on "quitting drinking" because I never have (on a permanent bases.. Only reprieves.) .. I do know the signs of someone truly wanting to quit an addiction.. I quit smoking on February 6th, 2010..... ( I love and hate that Feb 6) date.. I was sent to prison on Feb 6 (in years prior) and also chose that was my quitting date of smokes years later.

When I was having a hard time quitting smoking, it was always because my heart wasn't in it.  Once, it was there it was EASY!  I'm hoping  that it will be easy to stop drinking, but I don't think that it will.  I love to drink, and I never loved to smoke.  I smoked for 20 years, but never did I love a cigarette. Even during the pinnacle of my "smokage"...

What am I to do? I wont touch a beer for the next two days. I will be craving a beer come Tuesday....  My cravings for a beer will be severe..  I'll be ready to party! Sorry....Sorry.  I'll say one more time...., I'm sorry..  Disappointing anyone who has every taken an interest in me, my life, my plight, etc....  you are special to me. Lets get better! :) So close to quitting drinking? Nah. not today...

Quitting drinking sounds horrible.. Someone, please tell me how this would be a good thing? Alcohols has been my friend and enemy...

When Alcoholism and Quitting Has Exhausted You

Being an alcoholic absolutely beats you down from the inside out. I am vacantly sitting here right now at 3:30 AM and just in some sort of a numb like state of mind. I sat on facebook for awhile and looked at my highschool friends beautiful family photos. They all look so happy, content, and living a beautiful and blissful life. There is a certain part inside of me that doesn't feel happy and joyful for them.. Why is their any contempt and resentment? Why? I loved them to death (and still do)! Why should I be jealous of a friends good fortune? I feel ashamed at myself for thinking that way.

I have drank for 23 years (I'm 37), and KNOW that I don't have anywhere NEAR that left in me. I will either be dead long before the next 23 years is up, or I will find a way to stop. DEAD or find the way.. Alcoholism doesn't allow you to have a third choice!

Never think that an alcoholic is incapable of love. Many (like me) love more than what is ever shown. Alcoholics hate themselves for hurting the ones they love. It absolutely tortures their soul. They want to be in those happy family pictures on facebook!! Yet, they still cause pain to themselves, and those around them, and those precious few that they LOVE.

I wish that I didn't LOVE to drink beer. Its an internal struggle of what "feels good" and what will "make you feel good".. Alcohol makes me "feel good", but it will never make me feel good. Confused? A night at a strip joint can make you "feel good", a lap dance can make you "feel good", but you know what? Once you leave the strip club you will feel alone, and long for a true relationship that will actually"make you feel good". Did that make any sense? I would love to hear feedback.

As I sit and gaze at the white textured walls of my home and contemplate where I am, and where I'm going, there is reason for hope! I remember talking about quitting smoking for years before I actually quit (12 days now woohoo).. Never do I remember talking about quitting drinking or even throwing that idea around in my brain until I started writing this blog two years ago! DWI's, Jail, and Prison didn't stop me! (that's how strong this addiction is!) Maybe, with some people you just have to plant the seed and let it take root.

I will be a success story. I'm not famous enough to have a documentary made about my screwed up life.. My bones in the ground, and unpaid for tombstone would soon be forgotten.. Withered with weeds, vines, leaves, and forgotten time. It would be years of life, held in a handful of dust! Who wants to go out that way? We all should be remembered for just a lil something special about them/you/us.. Peace, love, happiness and a whole bunch of smiles :)