Alcoholics Need To Listen To Their Bodies

Alcoholics Don't Listen To their Bodies

If you are an alcoholic, you have put your body through turmoil.  You do it again, and again..  Why? Alcoholics don't (but need to) listen to their bodies.

I'm an alcoholic and have woken up out of breath to the point that I wasn't sure that I could make it to the fridge. I'm to the point where I need to make a stand. I'm at the point where I need to take heed to the words my body has given to me.

You never know where the precious words may come from. Tonight, I was just sitting at the bar..  Kinda drunk.  Someone came up and said "I've never seen anyone drink as much as you and still be "with it" "You drink two pitchers and don't even slur your speech"  I responded with "I used to drink four pitchers by myself and would drive!.... I'm doing better now... I walk home, and only drink two pitchers.."

Then they say "Your kidneys will probably give out soon"..  I responded with "Why you say that?"  They responded with "They won't have a choice... You will be passed out when your body needs fluids.. Your kidneys will work overtime... You will be oblivious to the turmoil and desperate cries that are going on in your body.  You will wake up like it was just another drunken night."

One day in the near future your liver wont produce the proper bile, you won't get proper fluids to your body. Your fingers will begin to shake...... Your moods will swing.....  You will try to fix your ailments by drinking more.  It will work..... For a short time... When it no longer works, you will get sick... Very sick..

Alcoholics out there, listen to your bodies!  You will die if you don't! I promise! I'm an alcoholic and struggling with this!  I'm not a poster on the wall, and I know what I'm talking about.. I'm "one of you, them, whoever"

Any words of wisdom would be wonderful! For me, and anyone else struggling out there. When I'm drunk I don't know how to "SEO (search engine optimization) a page. If you like this, or think it may help someone, please forward and link to my site :). Thank You!   Love your forever, and ever, and ever!

Drunk, But Not Sad. Somewhat Happy :)

 Drunk, But Not Sad... Am I Somewhat Happy?

Sorry, that I haven't posted recently. I'm fine, and all is well. I made it through Memorial Day.. I prayed for soldiers lost, and managed to get through the Holiday. Made it through without any bruises, scrapes, embarrassments, or feelings of overwhelming guilt :)

I've made progress I think. Drinking just to drink is no longer appealing. Waking up and feeling "anticipation" of what the day may bring, has trumped the feeling of "I feel so bad, I need a shot to make my head stop ringing".

Yes, I have been drinking, but instead of taking it to another level (which I have done countless times), I'm content with having a good nights sleep and waking up without feeling like I've been punched in the face by strangers :)

GOD, I'm pissed at you! I'm not even sure you are there

 God I'm Pissed At You

I feel defeated, and out of breath. Each time I try, something / someone (is it you?) kicks my feet out right out from under me! Why? Do you have a sense of humor? Am I at your expense to meet those needs? Well, you know what? I'm "f'in" tired.  You need to move on and "f" with someone else!

I've paid my dues, you need to take a step back for a moment. I've been living most of my life in quicksand, so stop wrapping weights around my ankles! Would you fucking stop it and let me get out of the sand? Would you stop sprinkling happy dust on people that don't deserve it? GOD, I'm pissed at you!

So, you have given me free will? Ok, fine... great... thanks... That would be freaking great, if you didn't give me the wonderful gift of addiction since I was a damn kid! Thank's a lot GOD! Are you there? Are you a selective GOD on who you give your attention to? Have I not tithed enough for you? Damn, you piss me off. I'm not sure that your listening or if your even there.

I've thought about you a lot over the years. I made it in to Church a few times. I've gotten down on my knees and have knelt by my bed to try to talk to you. I've read your book, and I've bragged about you!  Are you there? 

What have I done that has angered you so much? What do I have to do to make things right? Body blow, upper cut, right hook, I'm down for the count! Thanks GOD.

Do You Remember Your Childhood Dreams?

Initially I was going to be a baseball player for the Chicago Cubs. There was no doubt! I was slightly above average on my little league teams!  My life's journey was set.  I would be showered with gifts, admiration, adulation, and support from those that simply wanted to be in my company.  Do you remember your childhood dreams? I do. Wow.

They didn't turn out quite the way that I had Imagined. First of all I discovered that I wasn't good enough to play baseball on a higher level. I didn't have a passion to save the world, and I never wanted to be an astronaut.  My childhood dreams were shot. What did I do? Not much for awhile. I listened to sports radio, ignored my homework, and discovered alcohol..  You know, just the basics to find the way to the path that leads to alcoholism.  It happens.

I am making a lot of progress in my mind. Yes, I still remember my childhood dreams. Did I achieve them all (or any)? Well, not really.. Not exactly as I planned anyway.  We all are meant for different journeys in life..  You know what? The ones that have a crazy maze path to go through? It's probably God's way of uplifting those who have a tendency to remain content in mediocrity. I may have been a drunk through many years of my life, but wow, I can connect mentally to someone with a hurting soul and feel their pain!

Do you remember your childhood dreams? Were you the next president, or a veterinarian who would save all animals from pain?  Did you plan to run a marathon and test your endurance, until you felt the pain? Did you quit, when you know that you had so much more to give?

Remember your childhood dreams. I'm not meaning that you should pursue your dream to be an astronaut, professional baseball player, or figure skating gold medalist. Just remember that special feeling that you felt inside when your dreams were waiting for you during your childhood.  The dreams are still there. Touch them, achieve them, chase them, or take a picture of your pursuit of those dreams! If you try, you win.  That's it. Period!.

Is sobriety better? I'd rather be drunk.

Sobriety... You have done the steps. You have alienated yourself from your former life. You don't talk to your former drunken friends. Are you happy now?  What am I missing? To me, sobriety sucks... I love to listen to music, drink beer, and talk about deep shit!  What the hell is wrong with that?  I want to watch the Bears, Cubs, and Bulls for the rest of my life with someone that simply wants to watch the games with me!

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Sorry about that. Drunken 3 AM blog post last night. I really don't remember writing this. I went out to the bar and came home and drank some more.  Okay, quite a bit more.  It can get lonely drinking by yourself, but with the internet are you ever really alone? At least I did refrain from drunk facebooking, and for that I am thankful!

Drunk Alcoholics Feel More Love Than You

People that slam alcoholics, and try to make them as weak souls, are just weak in their own lives.  Ever cry through the pain of your own existence?  Probably not. Wonder why that occasionally someone who doesn't think your such a disaster that you probably are? You don't get judged.

Plant flowers, and sprinkle seeds. listen to songs that touch you.  Listen to the wise words that I had to say and then, be kind and guide my drunken ass to the ground.

I have no idea what I'm writing now, but it is soothing to me..  I want to shout out that I'm the most imperfect man in the World!  I want to say that..

Alcoholics Write Better Drunk? Creativity?

Can alcoholics write better while drunk?

Everybody has probably heard the myth that alcoholics are more creative, a large percentage of famous poets were alcoholics, and drinking brings out your creativity. Well, I can easily say that those myths are simply not true. Simply browse around my alcoholic blog and you can easily tell when I was incredibly drunk, from those in which I was sober.

The posts that I write while being drunk are usually quite embarrassing to me. I will vaguely remember writing on the computer the night before (hey, at least it beats drunk facebooking!), so I will check out to see what I had written in my drunken state of mind. The posts are almost always about how sad I am feeling at the time. Basically it is just a drunk feeling sorry for himself.

Many of the posts that I have written here are really quite pathetic, but I don't want to revise them in any way either. The premise of this blog was for people to follow the life of an active and practicing alcoholic. Anyone who is an alcoholic, or who knows an alcoholic, knows all too well that alcoholism isn't a pretty picture. It can be very messy, and yes sometimes this blog is a mess too. I will admit cleaning up a few posts the next day because some of them weren't even readable. So many misspellings and sentences that didn't make sense to myself, let alone to any reader out there. I never changed the post other than fixing some spelling and major drunken grammar catastrophes.

I encourage those to browse around and witness the radical changes in my writing from post to post. I am quite certain that you can predict how much I have had to drink with keen accuracy. So, can alcoholics write better drunk? Of, course the answer is HELL NO! However, there is ONE thing that I have learned about writing a drunken blog. I have never had a problem finding something to write about. The subject is usually filled with sorrow, anger, or self angst. I never had to sit there and think about something to write. Writing can be a way that alcoholics release their sadness, and that is something I am certain. I think my creativity is enhanced at the time..... Until I read it the next day.

While I am sober, I usually have no ambition to write about my alcoholism. It is quite humiliating and very embarrassing. In a odd way, I actually look forward to writing and releasing my pain when I get drunk. However, by the time I stumble home from the bar I am usually too drunk to write clearly. It is, what it is I guess.

I have gotten so many comments (many very rude and demeaning) about writing this blog. Why I drink, about how pathetic I am, how gutless I am, and many more. At least I am willing to throw my skeletons out of my closet. How many do you have buried?

If anyone who isn't an alcoholic and wants to ask any questions about my alcoholism I would love to comment back or even write a post about the topic. I have actually scaled back my drinking, and just maybe this blog has something to do with that. There are many people who don't understand alcoholics and can't find the answers in a book. There is no way I can understand, lets say "overeating", from reading a book about it. To me it's like "Why don't you stop eating when your full? Doesn't it make you feel sick?" I can't process the reasoning very easily. The only way I could actually learn about the process is asking someone who has that addiction.

Drunk On Christmas Day

Drunk On Christmas Day

Well, to follow up on my last nights pathetic post I'll write another... Alcoholism serenade? Christmas Day was spent nursing off a hangover. For some reason I was determined to go out again as well.. Why? Probably because I was alone on Christmas Day, and as much as I say that it doesn't bother me, I get lonely and depressed. So, I went to the bar, just to be in contact with other human emotion.

The funny thing is, after about an hour of drinking and listening to other peoples bad lives, drama, and Christmas debacles I felt like going back home... The company of my cat, music, beer, and the internet seemed so much more enticing. Why do I even want to go out and put myself into situations like that?

I think I know the answer. I'm waiting for my best friend whom I haven't met yet to show up in my life.. I can see this pretty girl in my mind. Such a sweet heart she has! I keep going out and looking for her.. Is she looking for me? I want to yell to her, that HERE I AM! Nobody responds. For tonight I will go to bed with booze.. Again... I pray that I find my girl soon, or even if I have one...

Girls are easy to come by. They are everywhere! Why is it so hard to make a connection with just one? I don't know. Tonight I will pray once again that my girl will enter my life, because I'm killing myself waiting. Drunk on Christmas Day with a sad heart.

Drunk On Christmas Eve

Right now I'm sitting with my 14 year old cat who won't come into the room because I'm watching my Mother's two dogs.. One of the dogs is a pomeranian.. The other is a lil dog that was in a puppy mill for the first 5 years of her life.. Don't let me get going on that subject.... If your not an animal lover, then you are an animal hater in my eyes....

Guess what? I killed an animal tonight.. :( On the way home from taking my daughter home, a bird flew out in front of me. It was misting down rain at about 35 degrees. Foggy as heck... A bird swooped down and hit the front of the top of my grill and bounced against my windshield. I felt soooo sad... All the way home, and all the way forever.

Making Changes In My Life

My life has been a whirlwind recently. How do alcoholics make changes in their life? They make changes that cater to their lifestyle of course. I have been trying to buck this trend, but everyone that I know whom isn't an alcoholic has rejected me.

Basically my funds are short and I'm having a hard time paying the bills. As much as I hated it, I knew that I needed a roommate to help with rent. I tried to reach out to every person that I knew that might be a positive influence in my life. They all turned away. Basically, I was left with my alcoholic friend alternatives.

Well, we are only five days in. Haven't received a penny yet. supposedly he will have the rent in 3 days (but he is broke now after getting drunk as hell on his days off). I gave him a free week, but if I get the 85 bucks (weekly cuz he cant save beyond that), it will be a miracle. He had an excuse for last week. He had to take a day off of work to move his TEN boxes of crap.. Took two hours and he was at the bar the rest of the day. Now, I guess he lost 30 bucks in a transaction at his work somehow. I have known this guy for 15 years, but I will probably snap if he can't pay this week too, or try and get by saying "30 bucks is all I have"... I have been working 6 days a week. I'm an alcoholic, but WOW I gave trust to an alcoholic that makes me look like Mary Poppins.

I'm making changes in my life. Tomorrow I am meeting with a realtor and going to look at some condos to buy that will give me an easier monthly payment. I'm going back to college (for my second year now) in a month and need to get my life in order quickly! Roommates may work for some people, but if you have one that drinks 365 days a year to the point that he pees himself, its not conducive towards a positive life.

Like I said, I want to make changes in my life, but all of those who I thought loved me, rejected me. I feel so alone.