GOD, I'm pissed at you! I'm not even sure you are there

 God I'm Pissed At You

I feel defeated, and out of breath. Each time I try, something / someone (is it you?) kicks my feet out right out from under me! Why? Do you have a sense of humor? Am I at your expense to meet those needs? Well, you know what? I'm "f'in" tired.  You need to move on and "f" with someone else!

I've paid my dues, you need to take a step back for a moment. I've been living most of my life in quicksand, so stop wrapping weights around my ankles! Would you fucking stop it and let me get out of the sand? Would you stop sprinkling happy dust on people that don't deserve it? GOD, I'm pissed at you!

So, you have given me free will? Ok, fine... great... thanks... That would be freaking great, if you didn't give me the wonderful gift of addiction since I was a damn kid! Thank's a lot GOD! Are you there? Are you a selective GOD on who you give your attention to? Have I not tithed enough for you? Damn, you piss me off. I'm not sure that your listening or if your even there.

I've thought about you a lot over the years. I made it in to Church a few times. I've gotten down on my knees and have knelt by my bed to try to talk to you. I've read your book, and I've bragged about you!  Are you there? 

What have I done that has angered you so much? What do I have to do to make things right? Body blow, upper cut, right hook, I'm down for the count! Thanks GOD.

Alcoholism - It Feels Good To Me

Why is alcoholism bad at all times? It seems that we only get one script without any sort of advocate. I love to drink.. It enables a part of my brain that otherwise stays in a sad dormancy.. It opens up creativity that is dead without it.

I have heard the opinion of just about every critic out there. I'd like to hear why I shouldn't embrace my alcoholism? Why? To not tap into a part of my brain that gets engaged when I get drunk? Because its unhealthy? Is it really any more unhealthy than a Christmas dinner? If it is, it sure isn't by much! Almost all of my beer drinking bar buddies are still alive and well, but those potato eating, non drinking, relatives of mine are dropping like flies.

I guess the whole meaning of this post is to do what makes you happy. Don't be careless and put anyones life in jeopardy.. If you want to have a drink and your not behind the wheel drink it. If your able to drink without turning into a mean person then do it. If your alcohol consumption affects your life in a negative way then don't! If alcohol turns you into someone that you don't like, then never drink alcohol! If it enriches you, write it down.

An Alcoholic That Hates Drug Addiction

First of all, some type of hyperbole takes effect in this very first sentence (the title of this blog). An alcoholic that hates drug addiction. Well, it's true. Maybe I don't consider alcoholism and drug addiction the same animal. In my opinion they shouldn't even be in the same zip code!

I have been an alcoholic for 20 years, yet I still have a sympathy for my addiction to alcohol. In my mind, it's still fun to drink.. It is! You have to be more careful however. I love to drink with someone that will converse back to me. I open up out of a shell that lays dormant otherwise. The only drug that allows me to do this is alcohol... You see, I don't want to lose control.. I want to think deeply. I want to have the capability of crying. I want to have the skills to write a poem. I want to have the sudden inclination to listen to my own inner feelings. I love alcohol for the insight of those long lonely nights. I hate alcohol for those moments in time where it took over my mind and left me at a mental loss for my mind, body, and soul.

Labels on someone that you talk about, are nothing more than an opinion or a statement.. Take a step back and listen for just a moment before you condemn someone. I'm tired.. I'm lonely........ I'm sad........ Goodnight

I Have A Plan

Believe me? I have a plan! Not too much of a plan, but I'd rather follow a piece of bread on the ground from "Hansel" then rather to walk alone.

I was walking home from the bar tonight. Slipping under distress and sliding in the mud. My car is at the bar, but turning on the ignition wasn't a viable option.

Today was filled with rain, and the field that I journeyed through going home seemed to sink deeper with each passing step.

Carrying on this way is stupid! It's plain "fucking" stupid. Choosing to live or die will be a decision that I will have to make in the near future.

I already choose to live.. Living by yourself sucks. I want love. We all do. Who will love me? Who will accept me? I don't know. The one girl that did, crushed me.

Angels In Your Life

Another day of addiction, and another day of darkness right? Not exactly. I had a friend that thought about me tonight. He didn't tell me to stop killing myself, just a comforting hand that said that "you really don't have to." It meant so much as I was drinking and fueling my sickness. For that special person I thank them for that.

When you are hurting and someone takes interest in your pain, you don't quite feel so alone. It seems to give you a little more strength to that squeeze in your handshake. You feel more confident to regain a smile that's been vacant for so long. When an Angel comes inside your life and is standing behind your back, you feel that you are fully equipped and able to stand up to the demons that hold you back. You don't feel quite so scared. You will still be scared, don't get me wrong, the fear lies by your side. Yet the confidence to squeeze your muscles, look at yourself in the mirror, and tell yourself that you can overcome is intensified.

When you face addiction and have a continuous battle within your own soul, it feels so nice when you have an Angel that believes in you! You can disappoint yourself, your loved ones, but you know the sun will inevitably shine come morning. When you have an Angel, you can still smile. Angels give you hope. They literally can put wings on your back and uplift you!

Angels come in to your life in an instant, some delay the showcase of their supernatural talents, and some have always been there. You just have to have the capability of letting them into your life. They are there for you.

I'm a mess, but knowing I have Angels gives me strength to battle my demons tomorrow. Notice how I say "demons" in lower case letters. They don't deserve upper case letters. Let them lie in muck. They don't deserve you, me, or anyone else on this Earth.

Alcoholism, Insomnia, and WTF

Why am I up? I don't know. Why do I drink? Bandaid painkiller I suppose. Do I choose to feel pain? Not directly, but yes. Does anyone understand? Only those that suffer from my affliction.

Alcoholism sucks. Straight and simple. What sucks worse is someone telling me (or a fellow alcoholic) that u just need to quit. "Buck up boy"..... Its all "a matter of choice".... or you "choose your lifestyle"... It really upsets me when people don't view addiction to alcohol as a disease. Alcoholism IS a disease. Why in hell would proud fathers, wonderful mothers, and naive children get lost in this darkness? By choice? I have never met one father, or mother (who are alcoholics) that can explain, condone, or justify their behaviors. Nobody chooses addiction. Nobody!

I am drinking a beer as I write this post. Tomorrow I start another semester of college. What a way to start out the new term huh? Imagine (if your NOT an alcoholic) getting through life like this. It is very hard. Imagine throwing on two 10 lb ankle bracelets as you walk through walmart buying your next 12 pack.

Alcoholics say lies when they don't even mean too. They can honestly say that they are going to watch a movie and go to bed. They weren't lying when they said that! They meant it, and believed it as well. The next thing you know, it's that same person suffering from alcoholism, has found themselves drunk, trying to get drunk, or just sad that they AREN'T drunk.

WTF? Why am I even writing at almost 2 in the morning? Oh yeah, any alcoholic will tell you that they get insomnia when they don't drink.

So why do alcoholics continue to drink when they are willingly screwing up their lives? That will be my next subject. Thanks to everyone who has graciously followed my lil blog.. Keep the comments coming. Good, and bad. I appreciate them both and deeply think about what you are saying.. Except when your just being mean :)

Should I Write About My Alcoholism Again?

Well, its been almost exactly a year since I have posted to my blog on alcoholism. Looking through dozens of comments, and emails about my alcoholism blog, I have decided to continue to write. Many readers have taken offense to my prior postings of the past by saying that I was making "light" of alcoholism, and others sent me thanks from understanding that I was shedding light on alcoholism through the eyes of a practicing alcoholic.

For those that sent me very uninformed, hateful emails condemning my writing, you might as well turn your head in the other direction because if you are still subscribed to this feed, you are going to subjected to more thoughts from a PRACTICING alcoholic.

For the past year I have had many ups and downs. A relationship ended, we reconciled, separated again, and now are in the process of trying yet again. Can you imagine an alcoholic having relationship problems? NAHHH, no way! LOL..

The good news is I have been successfull (at times) to have been able to keep my disease at bay. I have been working full time, and have enrolled in college last fall (at the age of 36). The only way that I am able to ward off cravings to my non relenting disease is by totally exhausting myself throughout the day. Exhausting myself so much that sleep actually becomes more attractive than getting drunk. I have been able to keep my drinking at bay throughout the work and school week because I am soooo busy from 7 AM until about 11:00 PM at night. I was pretty proud that I was able to accomplish temporary abstinence from getting wasted. However, its not as rosy of a picture as it may seem.

When the weekend would come, and all of my homework was caught up, I would typically be drunk from Friday when I clocked out from work until Sunday evening. The weekend would fly by in a blurr, and the next thing I knew, my alarm clock would be screaming at me to wake up Monday morning. My head would be pulsating, my heart racing, and my dreaded Mondays were usually very hard to get through. My temporary week long abstinence would begin again until the dark looming weekend that would lie ahead.

Throughout the week my head would clear, I had energy at work, and my head had the clarity to concentrate on my college studies. I was amazed how well my body and mind would feel from Wednesday thru Friday. Why would I throw this amazing feeling down the toilet? Well, if your an alcoholic you know exactly why! If your not an alcoholic, you may never truly understand. It's as if I made a "deal" with my alcoholic demons that live inside me, to give me some peace throughout the week as I worked (to afford the luxury to buy more alcohol) and the mental clarity to improve my future through education.

Well, here I sit on the computer on Christmas Day. My college semester went great and I got A's in all (three) of my classes. The next semester doesn't start until January 8th. What is a practicing alcoholic to do? The outlook doesn't look promising. I have already gotten calls to meet some "alcoholic friends" to go up to a nearby sports bar and watch the the football game. I'm tempted to go join them. The repercussions that lie ahead will probably lose this internal struggle.

So, I would like to ask my readers (or future readers) if you think that I should continue writing my blog about the internal struggle that alcoholics face? Like I have said in the past, there are thousands of stories of recovering alcoholics, yet you don't often read about those that are still practicing despite the pain that it inflicts on their everyday lives. Do you want to know about the continuing struggle? The struggle that is there everyday of their lives?

It is shameful, and embarrassing to write to the world about some mind twisting activities that alcoholics find themselves indulged in. It absolutely doesn't make sense to someone without the affliction. I am sure the hateful emails and comments will soon come again. I also know shedding light to non-alcoholics about what lies inside the mind of an alcoholic has been very helpful to them. Considering this, I am strongly considering posting regularly again despite those that condemn me for doing so.
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For those that are in Alcoholics anonymous or are interested in AA I strongly suggest the following book. I have been to Alcoholics Anonymous many times, and while the big book is very good, it seems like all the stories are soooo outdated. Here is the big book, but it has a lot of stories written in 2008 that the modern day alcoholic can relate to!!