Do You Remember Your Childhood Dreams?

Initially I was going to be a baseball player for the Chicago Cubs. There was no doubt! I was slightly above average on my little league teams!  My life's journey was set.  I would be showered with gifts, admiration, adulation, and support from those that simply wanted to be in my company.  Do you remember your childhood dreams? I do. Wow.

They didn't turn out quite the way that I had Imagined. First of all I discovered that I wasn't good enough to play baseball on a higher level. I didn't have a passion to save the world, and I never wanted to be an astronaut.  My childhood dreams were shot. What did I do? Not much for awhile. I listened to sports radio, ignored my homework, and discovered alcohol..  You know, just the basics to find the way to the path that leads to alcoholism.  It happens.

I am making a lot of progress in my mind. Yes, I still remember my childhood dreams. Did I achieve them all (or any)? Well, not really.. Not exactly as I planned anyway.  We all are meant for different journeys in life..  You know what? The ones that have a crazy maze path to go through? It's probably God's way of uplifting those who have a tendency to remain content in mediocrity. I may have been a drunk through many years of my life, but wow, I can connect mentally to someone with a hurting soul and feel their pain!

Do you remember your childhood dreams? Were you the next president, or a veterinarian who would save all animals from pain?  Did you plan to run a marathon and test your endurance, until you felt the pain? Did you quit, when you know that you had so much more to give?

Remember your childhood dreams. I'm not meaning that you should pursue your dream to be an astronaut, professional baseball player, or figure skating gold medalist. Just remember that special feeling that you felt inside when your dreams were waiting for you during your childhood.  The dreams are still there. Touch them, achieve them, chase them, or take a picture of your pursuit of those dreams! If you try, you win.  That's it. Period!.

When Alcoholism and Quitting Has Exhausted You

Being an alcoholic absolutely beats you down from the inside out. I am vacantly sitting here right now at 3:30 AM and just in some sort of a numb like state of mind. I sat on facebook for awhile and looked at my highschool friends beautiful family photos. They all look so happy, content, and living a beautiful and blissful life. There is a certain part inside of me that doesn't feel happy and joyful for them.. Why is their any contempt and resentment? Why? I loved them to death (and still do)! Why should I be jealous of a friends good fortune? I feel ashamed at myself for thinking that way.

I have drank for 23 years (I'm 37), and KNOW that I don't have anywhere NEAR that left in me. I will either be dead long before the next 23 years is up, or I will find a way to stop. DEAD or find the way.. Alcoholism doesn't allow you to have a third choice!

Never think that an alcoholic is incapable of love. Many (like me) love more than what is ever shown. Alcoholics hate themselves for hurting the ones they love. It absolutely tortures their soul. They want to be in those happy family pictures on facebook!! Yet, they still cause pain to themselves, and those around them, and those precious few that they LOVE.

I wish that I didn't LOVE to drink beer. Its an internal struggle of what "feels good" and what will "make you feel good".. Alcohol makes me "feel good", but it will never make me feel good. Confused? A night at a strip joint can make you "feel good", a lap dance can make you "feel good", but you know what? Once you leave the strip club you will feel alone, and long for a true relationship that will actually"make you feel good". Did that make any sense? I would love to hear feedback.

As I sit and gaze at the white textured walls of my home and contemplate where I am, and where I'm going, there is reason for hope! I remember talking about quitting smoking for years before I actually quit (12 days now woohoo).. Never do I remember talking about quitting drinking or even throwing that idea around in my brain until I started writing this blog two years ago! DWI's, Jail, and Prison didn't stop me! (that's how strong this addiction is!) Maybe, with some people you just have to plant the seed and let it take root.

I will be a success story. I'm not famous enough to have a documentary made about my screwed up life.. My bones in the ground, and unpaid for tombstone would soon be forgotten.. Withered with weeds, vines, leaves, and forgotten time. It would be years of life, held in a handful of dust! Who wants to go out that way? We all should be remembered for just a lil something special about them/you/us.. Peace, love, happiness and a whole bunch of smiles :)

Crossing That Invisible Line

Every alcoholic is different, with different triggers, reasons, and behaviors associated with alcohol. Just speaking for myself, I can say that I have this "invisible line" (while drinking) that has a downward slippery slope on the other side. If I stay on one side (the controlled drinking side), I can totally function like a "normal" person in society. I can put down my drink at any time, go to bed at a decent hour, and be productive the next day.

So what happens when I just take one small step onto the other side of the line? Well, the declining slippery slope on the other side of the line just takes the feet out from under me and I ride (drink) that slope all the way to the bottom. There isn't any way that I can stop myself from drinking until I reach the bottom.

So, why do I cross that invisible line? Well "taking the ride" after crossing the invisible line can be exhilarating. It can take away your pain. It can help you forget your problems. It can give you courage when it seems as if you didn't have any. Crossing the invisible line gives you temporary reprieve from the problems in your life. A TEMPORARY reprieve. The problems will still be there waiting for you (plus a few more added on). The courage that you felt after crossing that line has left you, and you feel more vulnerable than ever. That exhilarating buzz that you had, has been replaced with a headache, dehydration, and a fatigued body, mind, and spirit.

So what lies within an alcoholic that urges them to cross the line of no return? An alcoholic is addicted to the release that crossing over the line gives them. We all have different reasons to feed this addiction, so I can only speak for myself. I'm an alcoholic that has difficulty releasing all of my problems, fears, and anxieties of everyday life. I seem to throw them all in a glass bottle and put a cork in the top. Alcohol serves as some kind of a bottle opener for me that releases everything that I have stored in the bottle. The only problem is, it doesn't take me long to fill that glass bottle back up, and the need to "medicate" myself is back on my doorstep once again.

I think an alcoholic just has to decide when they are just too tired, beat up, and exhausted to cross that line anymore. Crossing the line and taking the ride to the bottom really takes a toll on the body. The ride down isn't smooth, straight, and without obstacles. There are bumps, holes, and sharp turns with jagged edges that leave you battered, confused, and disoriented. When will I be tired of crossing that line? I can't answer that. Yet.

I think my next post will be about the things I do to try to offset the damages that drinking does to my body. Damage control! You might find it interesting.


Eating for Recovery: The Essential Nutrition Plan to Reverse the Physical Damage of Alcoholism


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Alcohol Cause or Cure Insomnia?

Well, here I sit at about 3:00 PM in the afternoon and I'm just getting up, moving around and trying to be halfway productive. I went to a Halloween party last night and actually contained myself pretty well. I guess I was a little too sober to have much fun (remember this is an alcoholic mentality that I have), so I went home early at around 11:30. Of course I couldn't sleep, so in a "zombie like" trance I walked to the refrigerator (I think I've did this routine before) and popped open a beer. Since I knew that sleep wouldn't be coming my way I put on some music, lit up a smoke, and continued with my habitual process.

So does alcoholism cause or cure Insomnia? Well, I think the answer is both, and both answers are a lose/lose situation. Alcohol can cure insomnia (for the night) if you drink enough, but any alcoholic can tell you is that it takes A LOT of booze to knock you out. It takes enough booze to cause extreme hangovers and literally ruin your next days productivity. How can you be on top of your game when your head is splitting in two, nauseous, and your head's spinning because you are still actually drunk for the first half of the next day.

Insomnia can also throw a wrench into your daily life as well. When your walking around in a distempered zombie like state of mind, embracing your life, work, and those around you can be quite a difficult task. So what do you do? Drink more alcohol? Take valium or sleeping pills? Take herbal formulas? The latter may be the best alternative, but I have found that when your battling an addiction with alcohol, taking a melatonin or something like that doesn't seem to do the trick.

So why would alcohol cause insomnia? Well, I don't have any doctorate degrees on my wall so I can't give you an authoritative answer. I can only speak from my experiences of dealing with both. Besides wouldn't you want an opinion from someone who actually suffers with these issues, rather than some man/woman in a coat who probably doesn't have a clue (other than what they have read in a book) of what they are talking about?

I believe that when an alcoholic abstains, or drinks in moderation for a night, the addictive "demons" of alcohol come to life and come knocking on your brain. I know some of you out there are nodding your head as if you can relate to what I'm talking about. If you don't suffer from this you are probably a bit bewildered. Addiction can actually speak to you inside your head. Speak to you INCESSANTLY until it gets what it wants. You can withhold all you want, but the addiction will still be sitting there with its greedy hands out.

So to refrain from rambling on for hours, I will come up with my "professional alcoholic" hypothesis. People suffer from insomnia that have never touched a drop from alcohol, but yes alcoholism does cause insomnia. If your an alcoholic and you can recall the days of sleeping like a baby, the bottle in your hand is the selfish culprit. So why don't I just stop drinking? Ha ha.. Well, you have to be willing to say goodbye to your life long best friend (however much of selfish jerk your best friend is), and I'm not quite ready to do that yet. We dance so well together. At least until we fall down on our face. Yet alcoholics are a stubborn breed. We get up to do the dance once again.

If you have just started reading this blog, do yourself a favor and start from the beginning. You can't just open up a book in the middle can ya? Well, until the next article my friends, have a good evening and be safe in this dangerous (often self induced) world we live in out there.

P.S. If you haven't decided to quit drinking, or if you have quit drinking and want to reverse some of the damage that you have done to your body over the years, I'd like to suggest the following book. I don't plug shameless ads of products that I haven't used (or read in this case) myself. Have a great day!
Eating for Recovery: The Essential Nutrition Plan to Reverse the Physical Damage of Alcoholism

What Triggers The Binge Drinking?

So, what is it that creates the uncontrollable urge to binge drink? What allows an alcoholic to "occasionally" drink in moderation, and at other times not be able to stop until they have totally reached an inebriated stupor? I think the "alcohol binge trigger" is different for everybody and the answer to that question will vary with each individual. There really isn't a correct answer that anybody could put in the back of an "alcoholic textbook", so I'll just tell you about a few of my triggers and maybe (or not) you can relate.

For me, I have several triggers that are quite likely to send me down that drunken trail once again. I'll just give you a few examples and feel free to let me know if you can relate to some of my "alcohol craving triggers". I would love to hear what some of your triggers are as well.

I'll try to keep this as short as I can, but I have always "suffered I guess" from social anxiety, shyness, fear of unfamiliar groups, panic (and all the rest of the phobias that belong to that category! LOL).

At the age of 14 I discovered the magical beverage that took all of those fears away. I went to my first keg party with my older cousin (I have never been drunk at that point). I didn't know a person at the party, other than my cousin, and I felt like crawling in a hole and dying a quick death. Halfway through my second beer (hey, I had a low tolerance at 14! lol), I felt those aching, fearful feelings start to subside. By the time I was on my third beer I was actually joining in on the conversation. Yeah, ME, joining in on a conversation with people I hadn't known before that night. Never could I had done that without the magical beverage of beer. I think I instantly fell in love with alcohol, and probably instantly became an alcoholic (atleast a mental alcoholic) at the age of 14.

By the end of the night I was cracking jokes, had the girls laughing, and had my arms around two pretty girls while having the time of my life. Of course I ended up vomiting all over a bush outside the house about a half dozen times, but it was sooooo worth it. I had conquered my social anxiety fears. The only downfall was that I had to medicate myself with alcohol to feel this way.

Another trigger that I would like to mention may throw you (unless your the type of alcoholic like I am). Listening to my favorite music of my childhood can trigger an almost bloodthirst craving for alcohol. I think it is because it takes me back to a special head-space of free spirited, partying with my youthful friends. It was a not having a "care in the world" time of my life. It was the devine music I listened to before all the demons from alcohol started to show their face. It was before I had lost jobs, got thrown in jail, did a stint in prison, gotten divorced, and missed important parts of watching my 13 year old daughter grow up. It was the music that I ALWAYS drank with. Music became my friend that would party with me if nobody was around to have a drink with.

I still follow those bands (even though they are getting older) and still love to jam out with their new songs, and the craving for alcohol when their music plays is still as strong as ever. I hate to admit it, but I still like the feeling that it gives me. I'll spare you all of the depressive, self conscious, and downright self loathing feelings for future posts! lol

P.S. Today is Halloween. Guess what? I will be at one of those parties out there getting drunk once again. I mentioned in my first post that this blog isn't an "I am healed, hear my testimony" type of blog. I'm a mess, and am a work in progress. Hoping that I can help myself understand my addiction, and maybe help someone else along the way. Be sure to sign up to my feed to travel along this unpredictable journey with me!