Alcoholism, Insomnia, and WTF

Why am I up? I don't know. Why do I drink? Bandaid painkiller I suppose. Do I choose to feel pain? Not directly, but yes. Does anyone understand? Only those that suffer from my affliction.

Alcoholism sucks. Straight and simple. What sucks worse is someone telling me (or a fellow alcoholic) that u just need to quit. "Buck up boy"..... Its all "a matter of choice".... or you "choose your lifestyle"... It really upsets me when people don't view addiction to alcohol as a disease. Alcoholism IS a disease. Why in hell would proud fathers, wonderful mothers, and naive children get lost in this darkness? By choice? I have never met one father, or mother (who are alcoholics) that can explain, condone, or justify their behaviors. Nobody chooses addiction. Nobody!

I am drinking a beer as I write this post. Tomorrow I start another semester of college. What a way to start out the new term huh? Imagine (if your NOT an alcoholic) getting through life like this. It is very hard. Imagine throwing on two 10 lb ankle bracelets as you walk through walmart buying your next 12 pack.

Alcoholics say lies when they don't even mean too. They can honestly say that they are going to watch a movie and go to bed. They weren't lying when they said that! They meant it, and believed it as well. The next thing you know, it's that same person suffering from alcoholism, has found themselves drunk, trying to get drunk, or just sad that they AREN'T drunk.

WTF? Why am I even writing at almost 2 in the morning? Oh yeah, any alcoholic will tell you that they get insomnia when they don't drink.

So why do alcoholics continue to drink when they are willingly screwing up their lives? That will be my next subject. Thanks to everyone who has graciously followed my lil blog.. Keep the comments coming. Good, and bad. I appreciate them both and deeply think about what you are saying.. Except when your just being mean :)

Finding Excuses To Drink Alcohol

The mind of an alcoholic can be very crafty, and quite the salesman. Your addicted body and brain will give you every reason and excuse imaginable to convince you to open up the bottle.

You've had a bad day at work, tomorrow is your day off, your fighting with your girlfriend/boyfriend, it's a Holiday, your "friends' asked you out to watch the ball game at the sports bar, etc.... The list goes on and on and on. The excuses that an alcoholic will make to rationalize or give validity to the "reasonable" decision to drink is endless.

I'll give you a few examples of some of the ridiculous excuses that I have made over the years. Whenever I have my daughter for the weekend (every other weekend visitation, since I'm divorced. Imagine that!), I always find the excuse to drink on the Thursday before so I won't have as much temptation to drink around my daughter during the weekend. I make sure that I get wasted enough on Thursday so I'll have a brutal hangover and won't even have the desire to drink for the weekend. I rationalize to myself, that I wouldn't be a good parent if she saw me drinking excessively so I might as well get trashed the day before that she comes over to the house.

I have managed to keep the vast majority of my alcoholism away from her for 13 years. So therefore, I tell myself that I'm a better parent if I don't drink when I'm around her. Two days of sobriety is manageable, although not entirely easy. The Sunday afternoons, the addiction comes back roaring strong telling me "Its almost time for some drinks my friend. Soon, you will be mine!"

Another excuse I make to drink alcohol, is going to events that I enjoy and have always associated alcohol with that particular event. Sporting events, concerts, bars (obviously), casinos, boating on the lake, or at least in my case just about any type of social event. I have always suffered from social anxiety, so deciding to medicate myself with alcohol was always an easy excuse to make.

Some people have such stressful lives at work, they use the excuse to drink daily as a way to "relax and unwind". What happens in the end however, is that their quality of sleep suffers, often they drink too much, and their stressful job gets even worse.

I remember the days of doing construction work throughout the hot and humid summer months. Nothing sounded better than having some cold beers after work. Just driving by the local bars in the area where you live (between 4-6 PM), you can certainly see that I'm not the only one that feels this way.

Everybody in this world has many hardships that come their way in their lives. The difference is "everybody" doesn't drink, or at least doesn't drink for the many reasons that an alcoholic does. Alcoholism makes you believe that it's your friend to help make the good times in your life even better, the stressful times less intense, and the sad times a little less painful.

An alcoholic can find an excuse to drink everyday of their lives, and to that alcoholic many of those will seem very rational. At times an alcoholic will know that the decisions that they are making are ruining their lives, but alcoholism leaves them powerless as they struggle aimlessly with their addiction.

Please feel free to add some of your own "excuses to drink" if you are an alcoholic, or some of the excuses that some of your friends and loved ones have made to encourage their own alcohol consumption.

Here is a great book that I have read about reversing the damage of alcoholism -
Eating for Recovery: The Essential Nutrition Plan to Reverse the Physical Damage of Alcoholism

What Triggers The Binge Drinking?

So, what is it that creates the uncontrollable urge to binge drink? What allows an alcoholic to "occasionally" drink in moderation, and at other times not be able to stop until they have totally reached an inebriated stupor? I think the "alcohol binge trigger" is different for everybody and the answer to that question will vary with each individual. There really isn't a correct answer that anybody could put in the back of an "alcoholic textbook", so I'll just tell you about a few of my triggers and maybe (or not) you can relate.

For me, I have several triggers that are quite likely to send me down that drunken trail once again. I'll just give you a few examples and feel free to let me know if you can relate to some of my "alcohol craving triggers". I would love to hear what some of your triggers are as well.

I'll try to keep this as short as I can, but I have always "suffered I guess" from social anxiety, shyness, fear of unfamiliar groups, panic (and all the rest of the phobias that belong to that category! LOL).

At the age of 14 I discovered the magical beverage that took all of those fears away. I went to my first keg party with my older cousin (I have never been drunk at that point). I didn't know a person at the party, other than my cousin, and I felt like crawling in a hole and dying a quick death. Halfway through my second beer (hey, I had a low tolerance at 14! lol), I felt those aching, fearful feelings start to subside. By the time I was on my third beer I was actually joining in on the conversation. Yeah, ME, joining in on a conversation with people I hadn't known before that night. Never could I had done that without the magical beverage of beer. I think I instantly fell in love with alcohol, and probably instantly became an alcoholic (atleast a mental alcoholic) at the age of 14.

By the end of the night I was cracking jokes, had the girls laughing, and had my arms around two pretty girls while having the time of my life. Of course I ended up vomiting all over a bush outside the house about a half dozen times, but it was sooooo worth it. I had conquered my social anxiety fears. The only downfall was that I had to medicate myself with alcohol to feel this way.

Another trigger that I would like to mention may throw you (unless your the type of alcoholic like I am). Listening to my favorite music of my childhood can trigger an almost bloodthirst craving for alcohol. I think it is because it takes me back to a special head-space of free spirited, partying with my youthful friends. It was a not having a "care in the world" time of my life. It was the devine music I listened to before all the demons from alcohol started to show their face. It was before I had lost jobs, got thrown in jail, did a stint in prison, gotten divorced, and missed important parts of watching my 13 year old daughter grow up. It was the music that I ALWAYS drank with. Music became my friend that would party with me if nobody was around to have a drink with.

I still follow those bands (even though they are getting older) and still love to jam out with their new songs, and the craving for alcohol when their music plays is still as strong as ever. I hate to admit it, but I still like the feeling that it gives me. I'll spare you all of the depressive, self conscious, and downright self loathing feelings for future posts! lol

P.S. Today is Halloween. Guess what? I will be at one of those parties out there getting drunk once again. I mentioned in my first post that this blog isn't an "I am healed, hear my testimony" type of blog. I'm a mess, and am a work in progress. Hoping that I can help myself understand my addiction, and maybe help someone else along the way. Be sure to sign up to my feed to travel along this unpredictable journey with me!