Ten Monkeys Lying In My Bed

Ten monkeys lying in my bed. You don't want them there. What can you do? It doesn't seem like a fair fight does it? It's not a fair fight. What can you do when you throw one off, and they're are still nine more? Be strong, look at those monkeys (I'm referring to demons) in the eye and rebuke them.

For those of you without addiction, imagine these monkeys hanging on your back like a friggin "backpack".. It's so heavy! They don't leave, and they are alway's there to give you input inside of your restraining ear. You know whats right, proper, and what the correct decisions are. By yourself (without monkeys) it's easy.. Done, and fixed. Not so easy sly boy. You have ten monkeys on your back. The monkeys are insomniacs. They start eating you LITERALLY from the inside out...They don't fear death. They encourage death. These monkeys (addiction feeding demons), will kill you and kiss your kids afterwards (providing a little comfort and hoping that they can kill them too).

What can you do? I'm not sure exactly and I have a couple Angels in my life who are rooting, praying, and cheering for me every single day! Counsel, love, and forgiveness is wonderful. For that, I'm thankful. How does one person fight against ten monkeys? One at a time.

One monkey, you can corner the animal. You then have the ability to look at the demon in it's eye's. You can then rebuke the fucker, flip it off and roll it off your back... Just like "Misery loves company", it's also just as viable that you can meet the morning knowing that you are stronger than those darn monkeys!

Surrounding Your Life Around Your Addiction

What do I mean by surrounding your life around your alcohol addiction? I mean that you frame your daily activities, your work life, and your sleeping patterns around making sure you still have time to get drunk.

I am employed at a job that I "conveniently" clock out at 10:30 PM. This means that I still have 2 hours to drink in a bar before the bar closes, and then continue drinking for several more hours after I get home. I rationalize to myself that not getting to a bar until 11:00 PM, keeps me sober enough to drive home (or walk because I live right next to a bar), and even if I stay up till 5:00 in the morning, I can sleep off the ensuing hangover until 3:00 in the afternoon.

If I had a job where I worked an 8-5:30 shift, trouble would undoubtedly follow. The type of alcoholic that I am makes leaving a bar or putting down my beer nearly impossible if I happen to be having a good time. If I went straight to a bar after I got off of work at 5:30 PM I would have 7 hours of potential drinking on my hands. Not only would that be expensive, I also would be entirely too drunk to drive a vehicle. With me that would be a scary, and potential game of Russian Roulette.

I'm such a mess that when I move to a new location, the location of a bar within walking distance takes priority over so many other factors that should be much more of an important factor. To somebody that doesn't suffer from alcoholism, it is very hard for them to understand a thinking process such as this. There are many types of alcoholics. This is just one example of some of the craziness that goes on within my head.

I have taken jobs that really don't have much of a future, solely to cater to my alcoholism. Many alcoholics function and even thrive in high profile jobs. Doctors, lawyers, teachers, police officers, etc.... I am not one of those types of alcoholics. I really feel as if I have underachieved my entire life, and all the dreams of my childhood have remained unfulfilled. Alcoholism can (and will) steal your dreams, ruin your health, and rob you of your ambition.. If I could snap my fingers and make the demons go away, I would. Still searching for a way.

Thanks for reading today's post about my battles with alcoholism, and why I do the things I do regarding my alcohol habit. You don't have to agree or disagree with anything that I have to say. We are all different human beings, and the way we think about issues is unique with each individual.

Alcohol Cause or Cure Insomnia?

Well, here I sit at about 3:00 PM in the afternoon and I'm just getting up, moving around and trying to be halfway productive. I went to a Halloween party last night and actually contained myself pretty well. I guess I was a little too sober to have much fun (remember this is an alcoholic mentality that I have), so I went home early at around 11:30. Of course I couldn't sleep, so in a "zombie like" trance I walked to the refrigerator (I think I've did this routine before) and popped open a beer. Since I knew that sleep wouldn't be coming my way I put on some music, lit up a smoke, and continued with my habitual process.

So does alcoholism cause or cure Insomnia? Well, I think the answer is both, and both answers are a lose/lose situation. Alcohol can cure insomnia (for the night) if you drink enough, but any alcoholic can tell you is that it takes A LOT of booze to knock you out. It takes enough booze to cause extreme hangovers and literally ruin your next days productivity. How can you be on top of your game when your head is splitting in two, nauseous, and your head's spinning because you are still actually drunk for the first half of the next day.

Insomnia can also throw a wrench into your daily life as well. When your walking around in a distempered zombie like state of mind, embracing your life, work, and those around you can be quite a difficult task. So what do you do? Drink more alcohol? Take valium or sleeping pills? Take herbal formulas? The latter may be the best alternative, but I have found that when your battling an addiction with alcohol, taking a melatonin or something like that doesn't seem to do the trick.

So why would alcohol cause insomnia? Well, I don't have any doctorate degrees on my wall so I can't give you an authoritative answer. I can only speak from my experiences of dealing with both. Besides wouldn't you want an opinion from someone who actually suffers with these issues, rather than some man/woman in a coat who probably doesn't have a clue (other than what they have read in a book) of what they are talking about?

I believe that when an alcoholic abstains, or drinks in moderation for a night, the addictive "demons" of alcohol come to life and come knocking on your brain. I know some of you out there are nodding your head as if you can relate to what I'm talking about. If you don't suffer from this you are probably a bit bewildered. Addiction can actually speak to you inside your head. Speak to you INCESSANTLY until it gets what it wants. You can withhold all you want, but the addiction will still be sitting there with its greedy hands out.

So to refrain from rambling on for hours, I will come up with my "professional alcoholic" hypothesis. People suffer from insomnia that have never touched a drop from alcohol, but yes alcoholism does cause insomnia. If your an alcoholic and you can recall the days of sleeping like a baby, the bottle in your hand is the selfish culprit. So why don't I just stop drinking? Ha ha.. Well, you have to be willing to say goodbye to your life long best friend (however much of selfish jerk your best friend is), and I'm not quite ready to do that yet. We dance so well together. At least until we fall down on our face. Yet alcoholics are a stubborn breed. We get up to do the dance once again.

If you have just started reading this blog, do yourself a favor and start from the beginning. You can't just open up a book in the middle can ya? Well, until the next article my friends, have a good evening and be safe in this dangerous (often self induced) world we live in out there.

P.S. If you haven't decided to quit drinking, or if you have quit drinking and want to reverse some of the damage that you have done to your body over the years, I'd like to suggest the following book. I don't plug shameless ads of products that I haven't used (or read in this case) myself. Have a great day!
Eating for Recovery: The Essential Nutrition Plan to Reverse the Physical Damage of Alcoholism

What Triggers The Binge Drinking?

So, what is it that creates the uncontrollable urge to binge drink? What allows an alcoholic to "occasionally" drink in moderation, and at other times not be able to stop until they have totally reached an inebriated stupor? I think the "alcohol binge trigger" is different for everybody and the answer to that question will vary with each individual. There really isn't a correct answer that anybody could put in the back of an "alcoholic textbook", so I'll just tell you about a few of my triggers and maybe (or not) you can relate.

For me, I have several triggers that are quite likely to send me down that drunken trail once again. I'll just give you a few examples and feel free to let me know if you can relate to some of my "alcohol craving triggers". I would love to hear what some of your triggers are as well.

I'll try to keep this as short as I can, but I have always "suffered I guess" from social anxiety, shyness, fear of unfamiliar groups, panic (and all the rest of the phobias that belong to that category! LOL).

At the age of 14 I discovered the magical beverage that took all of those fears away. I went to my first keg party with my older cousin (I have never been drunk at that point). I didn't know a person at the party, other than my cousin, and I felt like crawling in a hole and dying a quick death. Halfway through my second beer (hey, I had a low tolerance at 14! lol), I felt those aching, fearful feelings start to subside. By the time I was on my third beer I was actually joining in on the conversation. Yeah, ME, joining in on a conversation with people I hadn't known before that night. Never could I had done that without the magical beverage of beer. I think I instantly fell in love with alcohol, and probably instantly became an alcoholic (atleast a mental alcoholic) at the age of 14.

By the end of the night I was cracking jokes, had the girls laughing, and had my arms around two pretty girls while having the time of my life. Of course I ended up vomiting all over a bush outside the house about a half dozen times, but it was sooooo worth it. I had conquered my social anxiety fears. The only downfall was that I had to medicate myself with alcohol to feel this way.

Another trigger that I would like to mention may throw you (unless your the type of alcoholic like I am). Listening to my favorite music of my childhood can trigger an almost bloodthirst craving for alcohol. I think it is because it takes me back to a special head-space of free spirited, partying with my youthful friends. It was a not having a "care in the world" time of my life. It was the devine music I listened to before all the demons from alcohol started to show their face. It was before I had lost jobs, got thrown in jail, did a stint in prison, gotten divorced, and missed important parts of watching my 13 year old daughter grow up. It was the music that I ALWAYS drank with. Music became my friend that would party with me if nobody was around to have a drink with.

I still follow those bands (even though they are getting older) and still love to jam out with their new songs, and the craving for alcohol when their music plays is still as strong as ever. I hate to admit it, but I still like the feeling that it gives me. I'll spare you all of the depressive, self conscious, and downright self loathing feelings for future posts! lol

P.S. Today is Halloween. Guess what? I will be at one of those parties out there getting drunk once again. I mentioned in my first post that this blog isn't an "I am healed, hear my testimony" type of blog. I'm a mess, and am a work in progress. Hoping that I can help myself understand my addiction, and maybe help someone else along the way. Be sure to sign up to my feed to travel along this unpredictable journey with me!