When the relationships over?

I was drunk when I wrote this late last night after I closed down the bar. I was feeling sorry for myself and thinking about past relationships: Sorry if it sounds like drunken ramblings, but that's pretty much what it was.. It's what depressed, sentimental alcoholics do sometimes I suppose:

What does "you never say the words that I need to hear mean?"
It means that I'm not feeling the emotions inside to say them.

What does "Your stupid mean?"
It mean's that you haven't met the person that you should be with, so stop saying such cruel comments.

What does "Why don't you do this" mean? It means that I must not want to, because if you were the one for me I would.

Why do you act like you care? Until you feel the wonders of love you will ask yourself "what do the words say?"

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Above is what an alcoholic writes when he gets home from the bar and wonders why he can't sustain a relationship, love eludes him, and is sitting at home alone wondering what has went wrong. When the relationship is over the alcohol remains. Alcoholics have a way of blaming others when relationship problems are usually the direct result of their alcoholism.

Its so quiet before the storm hits.

Well, friends I have thrown down the gauntlet. I am quitting smokes after the Superbowl on Sunday.. I have told nearly everyone I have known in my life! I have blasted it across facebook, and those that I have confided in.. Why would I do that?

I feel that some things you just cant do on your own. The inspiration just is not there! Sometimes you fear of the one that you LOVE will be disappointed in you! If I fail and continue to smoke, I will make many dozens frown. I won't do that. I'm done my friends. It's going to be hard as hell.

I am the the last one hanging amongst my childhood friends.. They have ALL quit! They all smoked like me, or MORE!. They have chosen to choose life, without carcinogens. Kind of like how I was always the last one drinking on many occasions..

I'm the last of the bunch that hasn't put down the bottle for their own happiness and fulfillment. I had no idea that I would be the last person to just "wake the fuck up"! I was hard headed then, and I guess I am now.

Monday is the last day I suck in a carcinogen voluntarily ever into my lungs. I promise..! Believe me?

Ten Monkeys Lying In My Bed

Ten monkeys lying in my bed. You don't want them there. What can you do? It doesn't seem like a fair fight does it? It's not a fair fight. What can you do when you throw one off, and they're are still nine more? Be strong, look at those monkeys (I'm referring to demons) in the eye and rebuke them.

For those of you without addiction, imagine these monkeys hanging on your back like a friggin "backpack".. It's so heavy! They don't leave, and they are alway's there to give you input inside of your restraining ear. You know whats right, proper, and what the correct decisions are. By yourself (without monkeys) it's easy.. Done, and fixed. Not so easy sly boy. You have ten monkeys on your back. The monkeys are insomniacs. They start eating you LITERALLY from the inside out...They don't fear death. They encourage death. These monkeys (addiction feeding demons), will kill you and kiss your kids afterwards (providing a little comfort and hoping that they can kill them too).

What can you do? I'm not sure exactly and I have a couple Angels in my life who are rooting, praying, and cheering for me every single day! Counsel, love, and forgiveness is wonderful. For that, I'm thankful. How does one person fight against ten monkeys? One at a time.

One monkey, you can corner the animal. You then have the ability to look at the demon in it's eye's. You can then rebuke the fucker, flip it off and roll it off your back... Just like "Misery loves company", it's also just as viable that you can meet the morning knowing that you are stronger than those darn monkeys!

What does an alcoholic feel like?

What does it feel like to be an alcoholic? Really? What is the pain? Is their pain? Do you really want to know?

What is the problem that makes alcoholics to become disfunctional? I dunno exactly... I can't tell you exactly.... I can tell you that alcoholism hurts your body, mind, and soul from the inside out. I can tell you that you will make decisions that aren't inside your logical head. I can tell you that if you have a wonderful child that you are fully capable of making them cry. I have done this. It is very sad...

I long to make everything right. I want to say that I'm sorry.. It's a journey.. Being an alcoholic means that you have to wake up, feel the pain, swallow your pride, accept your possible embarrasments, and willing for this to happen again... It's so sad, and it's so embarrasing.