As The Candle Burns, Burning The Alcoholics Wick

As The Candle Burns

 Burning the Alcoholics Wick

Like The Sands of Our Life's Hourglass Trickling Away

The moment that we are born, our "life's wick" has been lit. At birth nobody knows how long our candle will burn. How many times have you had a candle that didn't burn all the way down to the end? How many times was the flame so small that it didn't create any glow and was always in danger of burning out?

How many candles don't even have the opportunities to brighten up someones life or provide warmth to a room?

It seems to me that alcoholics are like candles and burn their wicks from both ends. They don't appreciate all of the energy that is being lost up in smoke.  Billows of smoke that you can't grab, sliding between your fingers. You try to get it back, but it floats away.  You can actually see the candle's wick grow smaller in front of your eyes as wax falls to the floor. In vain you try to put out one end of the candle's wick. When you do, you are surprised to see that the other end burns brighter, stronger, and warmer! You let go and drink, allowing the other end to reignite. The candle loses it's glow. The lifespan of the candle's wick shortens. The room is no longer lightened.  Soon, it becomes too dark to see, and too cold to breath.

When you let both ends of the candle burn for too long..... Well, your not left with much light. It's cold.. you need warmth, but there isn't anything left.  The candle has been burned.  A candle is meant to be burned from one end.... Not two.

Alcoholics Need To Listen To Their Bodies

Alcoholics Don't Listen To their Bodies

If you are an alcoholic, you have put your body through turmoil.  You do it again, and again..  Why? Alcoholics don't (but need to) listen to their bodies.

I'm an alcoholic and have woken up out of breath to the point that I wasn't sure that I could make it to the fridge. I'm to the point where I need to make a stand. I'm at the point where I need to take heed to the words my body has given to me.

You never know where the precious words may come from. Tonight, I was just sitting at the bar..  Kinda drunk.  Someone came up and said "I've never seen anyone drink as much as you and still be "with it" "You drink two pitchers and don't even slur your speech"  I responded with "I used to drink four pitchers by myself and would drive!.... I'm doing better now... I walk home, and only drink two pitchers.."

Then they say "Your kidneys will probably give out soon"..  I responded with "Why you say that?"  They responded with "They won't have a choice... You will be passed out when your body needs fluids.. Your kidneys will work overtime... You will be oblivious to the turmoil and desperate cries that are going on in your body.  You will wake up like it was just another drunken night."

One day in the near future your liver wont produce the proper bile, you won't get proper fluids to your body. Your fingers will begin to shake...... Your moods will swing.....  You will try to fix your ailments by drinking more.  It will work..... For a short time... When it no longer works, you will get sick... Very sick..

Alcoholics out there, listen to your bodies!  You will die if you don't! I promise! I'm an alcoholic and struggling with this!  I'm not a poster on the wall, and I know what I'm talking about.. I'm "one of you, them, whoever"

Any words of wisdom would be wonderful! For me, and anyone else struggling out there. When I'm drunk I don't know how to "SEO (search engine optimization) a page. If you like this, or think it may help someone, please forward and link to my site :). Thank You!   Love your forever, and ever, and ever!

Drunk, But Not Sad. Somewhat Happy :)

 Drunk, But Not Sad... Am I Somewhat Happy?

Sorry, that I haven't posted recently. I'm fine, and all is well. I made it through Memorial Day.. I prayed for soldiers lost, and managed to get through the Holiday. Made it through without any bruises, scrapes, embarrassments, or feelings of overwhelming guilt :)

I've made progress I think. Drinking just to drink is no longer appealing. Waking up and feeling "anticipation" of what the day may bring, has trumped the feeling of "I feel so bad, I need a shot to make my head stop ringing".

Yes, I have been drinking, but instead of taking it to another level (which I have done countless times), I'm content with having a good nights sleep and waking up without feeling like I've been punched in the face by strangers :)

Lyrics From Songs I'm Listening To Tonight

I'm going to re-design this mess of a website tomorrow. Tonight I'm going to be drunk and listen to music that makes me happy (at least while I'm drunk). I've been real good about drinking lately, but wow it gets hard. Where is the joy and happiness of this "so called sobriety"?

I love to listen to songs that make me think. I love a melodic hook, and I love listening to musicians that I can respect. Sometimes I just love listening to a song that just sounds good with very little meaning. For tonight, I'm going to listen to songs and post a line (two lines MAX) from a song that I'm listening to while I drink myself into oblivion.

"What a drag, too many snags"

"I want to hear you, I want to see you, I want to relate to you"

"Say What You Feel"

"I remember when I was 17"

"Father said to pick your dreams"

"Smile Away Your Goodbye"

"my shadow is the only one that walks beside me"

"Here comes the pain again"

"Twenty years has gone so fast"

Basically, these were just "lines" of the last 7 songs that happened to come on (not my favorite songs. just lyrics froms songs that came on tonight while I'm typing). Every song usually has a lyric that is or can be memorable. Just like a persons spoken words that you hear.

I think too often people don't listen "to the lyrics" that lie within the song or the spoken message. Usually you can find the hidden meaning behind someones sad eyes. Maybe it's just me who thinks too much. I dunno!

A Practicing Alcoholics 12 Steps To Destruction Program

A Practicing Alcoholics 12 Steps To Destruction Program

Many people are familiar with Alcoholics Anonymous 12 step program that has helped millions of people to live their lives free from alcoholic day by day.  I have been to AA many times but haven't quite been able to grasp the program (As Of Yet!). I was emailed a "12 Steps To Destruction" program that a fellow alcoholic has been following! I feel like I could have written some of the steps myself! lol.  I've seen several others like this around the internet. Maybe others can relate as well. I think I should probably write down the "12 step to destruction program" that I've been following and really see how bad a program that it really is!

12 STEPS TO DESTRUCTION

Written by Unknown

1. I decided I could handle alcohol, if other people would just quit trying to run my life.

I have to admit, it has been hard for me to ever think that I am powerless over alcohol. Every time I come across a hardship that was the direct result from alcohol, it was usually someone else's fault! Ya, right.

2. I firmly believe that there is no greater power than myself, and anyone who says it isn't so is insane.

I have felt this from time to time as well. It's sometimes hard to think that there is some "supreme force" that is in control of everything. The "Everything happens for a reason" is a concept I've never been able to accept. Too many "F'ed" up things happen to too many wonderful people, far too often.

3. I made a decision to remove my will and my life from God, who didn't understand me anyway.

I haven't ever intentionally decided to remove myself from God. Sometimes I do feel a lil neglected from God however. Doesn't seem like my prayers get answered at times.

4. I made a searching and thorough moral inventory of everyone I knew, so they couldn't fool me and take advantage.

Can't really relate to all of this one. I have some wonderful people in my life that would love to help me in any way possible. However, as an alcoholic I have been hanging around with a lot of wrong people for most of my life. They don't fool me in any way. I know them for what they are, yet at times I still choose their company.. Doesn't make much sense huh?


5. I sought these people out and tried to get them to admit to me, by God, the exact nature of their defects of character.

Nah, they don't have to admit their defects to me. They showcase them daily.

6. I became willing to help these people get rid of their defects of character.

No, I joined them and willingly participated right along with them

7. I became humble enough to ask these people to remove their shortcomings.

Why would I ever want them to remove their shortcomings? Who would I have to drink with?

8. I made a list of all the people who had harmed me, and waited patiently for a chance to get even with them all.

I've never made out a list, but there's a few that I've thought about :)

9. I got even with these people whenever possible, except when to do so would get me into trouble also.

 If I knew that nothing wouldn't be tracked back to me, I'm ashamed to admit (ok, more than a few) that vengeance would seem gratifying at the time.

10. I continued to take everybody's inventory and when they were wrong, which was most of the time, promptly made them admit it.

I'd like to think that I don't, but I probably do.

11. I sought through concentration of my will-power to get God, who didn't understand me anyway, to see that my ideas were best and He ought to give me the power to carry them out.

Yep, I've did this for sure. Many times I wished that God would go along with my plan.  It was a really good plan damnit!  Apparently not that good. lol

12. I have maintained my drunkenness for 25 years with these steps, and can thoroughly recommend them to other alcoholics who don't want to lose their hard-earned status as drunks, but wish to be left alone, to practice alcoholism in everything they do, for the rest of their lives.

Pretty good steps to continue drinking recklessly! I've drank for 23 years.  Maybe I should write out my own "12 Steps To Destruction" as it pertains to my life. What do you think?

God? Your Plan Is Flawed - Everything Happens For A Reason?

Everything happens for a reason? Yeah, right...... whatever

My fourth friend died last night.. There is no plan. He was a father of a little girl. He was the proud business owner of a trash company. He provided, obeyed the law, and was a kind soul.  He died in a head on collision last night. Nobody will ever know "why" he had a head on collision. There were no witnesses....Did someone fall asleep? Was the other driver drunk? Does it really matter? Not really... They are both DEAD!

As The Candle Burns - Don't Burn The Candle from Both Ends - An Alcoholics Tale

People say "Everything happens for a reason".  What is the reason? Why would any entity kill someone or something to prove a point?  Somebody out there is going to have to help me with this, because it doesn't make sense to me.  Will I be a "everything happens for a reason" example for someone else?  Once that "someone else" gets it, what does it matter? They will be dead too shortly...

There is no point. Shit happens. You will die. I will die. It won't be pleasant.  I want to believe in God, but why, and how does he allow death, pain, destruction, and uncertainty about everything?  Show up in my life God! I'm asking you! Your plan is flawed.  What's your plan exactly? Plagues, disease, and despair during the "revelations" chapter of the Bible?

If I was God, there wouldn't be pain..  There wouldn't be head on collisions.  People's bodies wouldn't be deformed. Cancer wouldn't attack a soul. A human heart wouldn't refuse to work.  Everything happens for a reason?  Ummm... K.... However you sleep better.  the "Plan" is flawed. God, we need to have a meeting! I love you, but your killing me.

Why Is My 14 yr Old Cat Staring At Me?

Why?  Because It's The Way It Is Supposed To Be

Why has my 14 (maybe 15) Cat been so concerned with my life? I dunno, but I love her to death for loving me!

"Why does my 14 year old cat keep staring at me"? She curls her body beside me. Why does she keep staring at me? Is she disappointed in me?

I don't think that she is disappointed....., but I think I know why some people are!

I think my old cat has seen the rain falling off the eyelids of someone dear to me. Someone who I may, or may have not have met. Yet, somehow she remains concerned about me.

I think my old cat see's my tears and is here for just a lil bit longer for a purpose. I'm not sure if she is here to comfort my pain, or be my strength when I feel that I have none. My old cat feels like God, and maybe she is! Who is to say that she isn't? Maybe God is speaking through her?

What if my cat is GOD? Speaking, or maybe just comforting me? Maybe GOD understands the pain that I feel, and shows me some mercy from time to time. Who knows, but that "Eternal Embrace" pic is freaking awesome, and that's for sure.